Acceptance is key

You see it's all so natural really if only back then you could of been yourself, day after day of just absorbing the clues in coming over as your feminine self, relating to girls, co-exisiting in their spaces but aware you're not really her underneath and frankly you aren't remotely phazed by that.

You just want her and her friends to accept you as the Sissy you are.

While away I wore dresses and skirts as little sissy me, going out and mingling with friends  among people where we were.

It can be done.
 

Thoughts while away

 

While I was away this weekend  I found myself thinking about the role of relationships in my life.

Relationships not least family ones have  played a negative part in my upbringing from distancing, not willing to get close to me or to encourage me to get closer, being more overly affectionate as well as a sense of suspicious  between family members that just corroded any meaningful sense of trust and security I ever had.

Living in a world where you always watched your back, where telephone conversations were bugged, people lurked behind doors listening in  and mail read took its toll on me even to the point I was writing or drawing stuff about it in my teens on correspondence and never kept a formal diary in case it was read which it would.

That's one of differences now cos I do but it's more online journalling it may be such as with my main blog an account of a day out or interests related or more about my moods and emotions cos it helps me understanding them and helps with having some record I can refer to.

One of the things that has altered for me now is how it is I am expected to co-operate and behave with other people and that's been a thing that's talked about here so when I was away I was expected to help with things such as setting the table, washing up and generally helping out.

I am also expected now to help in the kitchen with making whatever we are going to eat even if some tasks may be done for me because I am expected to use my abilities to contribute whatever my disabilities may prevent.

If I do something wrong that I know I shouldn't like trying to cut things on the top of the sink where I'd either mark it or risk injuring myself which I did, then I was spanked there and then for it to ensure I learn from it which I was

What I longed for as an adult little feminine sissy gurl is the simple love and affection of a forever mother and father figure who will help me feel loved, wanted and secure so I can grow.

Was that too much to ask?

I think after thinking over how things have been not this weekends time spent with one who does looks after me the answer has to be no because they are actively engaged in making me grow, feeling secure but at same time prepared to discipline me.

It was and is what I truly needed.

Teddy time

 It may be heading towards the middle of Summer but my thoughts are elsewhere.

Age Dysphoria as it runs through this life makes the picture more complexed for being in most respects a child at all times, neither regressing from an adult state or necessarily even having one, as those who know me are aware.

Being a gurl still brings with it strong emotional needs and they do include the need for a teddy bear to carry, touch and hug when I am upset apart from sleeping with.

It doesn't have to be a feminine bear with me so much as just be soft and gentle although there's certainly nothing wrong with it as the thing that matters is I left out those feelings and learn to accept vulnerability rather than the denial of them we were pushed towards at the time as much as a boy as I was it was damaging to me.

Moving beyond that which as we addressed last year, for this blog to go forward I need to be able to talk about parts of my life that moved centre stage to it since the blog was started, I do take part in a Little's Chat night and we talked about children's television and in particular how the recent death of Brian Cant who narrated the Camberwick Green,  Trumpton,and Chigley trilogy of cartoons set in Trumptonshire in the nineteen sixties (repeated into the nineteen-seventies) and also was a present on the Play away and Play school programs for young children left us.

These shows were a part of our childhood and many of us felt close to their stars.

Stitched memories

If there is one past in the present moment in this life I'd love to recreate anew then this experience would be one on my list of five I'd put toward the top of it.

You see, for me visiting grandma's meant many things, playing games usually the sorts of games we either never had or perhaps no one would of thought I'd love like connect four, or tv shows my folks had issues with but talking with her about what was being shown and soft drinks and biscuits.

She understood my feminine side.

To me that was more fun than being locked into a car for three-quarters of an hour on your own and we'd make things from either paper or even make cakes.

The big thing was near enough every other week I'd be measured and we'd go through knitting patterns as she hand knitted nearly every single cardigan or sweater I had adapting the instructions to get a perfect fit on me usually at the same time and the same style as my female cousins in either dusty pink a odd mixture of bluesy pink, red or grey.

So outside of school uniform, I never owned a machine made one into past my teens often on a similar style to the one on the right.

It's enough to know she's very much missed by me.

Stamp collecting

Talking with a friend the other day lead to talking about their interest in the design of postage stamps, not that they were a collector of those things and that was inspiration enough for this post.

That strip of stamps came recently on a compact disc I had bough from a guy in Poland, Europe which caught my eye as most mail today commercially doesn't have stamps on but instead is put in a machine that marks you have paid the mailing fees for it and often things from other countries around the world are interesting.

Stamps generally come in two forms, those which are  fairly plain in appearance with fixed designs on them such as the British 'definitive' ones with the Queen's head  that have a long period in production and other more decorative  ones that commemorate events or show things such as historic events, buildings, transportation, nature and seasonal events such as Christmas. 

I started a collection when I was ten years old starting with inherited stamp albums of the hard back book design with fixed pages per country some of which went back to the mid nineteenth century when it came to British Stamps including a complete unused set of the present Queen's Coronation issued stamps.

It wasn't long getting into my mid teens that I moved into the loose-leaf binder kind of stamp album so I could set the pages out as I wished, making better use to present them in a more attractive way only feature entries by theme and countries I wanted.

Around this period, I used by buy mixed bags of stamps from my local store and visit a specialist dealer from time to time buying direct from him specific issues I wanted in my collection.

To aid with this I would borrow the Stanley Gibbon's guidebook that listed all World-wide stamps and make notes in a pocket book of those that interested me.

Around this time I collected religiously British "First Day Covers" that were a stiff card envelope with all of a commemorative set of stamps on that would by stamped with a special first day of issue stamp and later on Presentation Packs that had the stamps pre-mounted in a presentation.