The hot start to the School Hols with my teddy bears

 

There has seldom been a moment from being by birth age a boy to remaining so throughout this life where teddy bears have not featured in some capacity.

From objects I slept with to things I have this deep need to cuddle up to, stroke, talk with and hug they've always been in it and in all sizes from the dinkiest to really big ones.

Life without them would be unbearable!

It's not long before I go away for a few days which is as well as the last couple of days have been really really hot feeling like a damp exhausted rag than my usual self. 

Part of the preparations for all that involved having my hair cut which with all the other stuff is a rather sensitive subject but I decided to get it back to more like it was with a short cut which keeps some of natural curliness in but is tidy as it doesn't take much for my hair get messy around the ends.

With it being like it has I've been in skirts and given it's school hols for many  shorter shorts and skorts with t shirts and short cure girls ankle socks.

I'm back to how it all was now and I'm glad of it.

Teddy time

 It may be heading towards the middle of Summer but my thoughts are elsewhere.

Age Dysphoria as it runs through this life makes the picture more complexed for being in most respects a child at all times, neither regressing from an adult state or necessarily even having one, as those who know me are aware.

Being a gurl still brings with it strong emotional needs and they do include the need for a teddy bear to carry, touch and hug when I am upset apart from sleeping with.

It doesn't have to be a feminine bear with me so much as just be soft and gentle although there's certainly nothing wrong with it as the thing that matters is I left out those feelings and learn to accept vulnerability rather than the denial of them we were pushed towards at the time as much as a boy as I was it was damaging to me.

Moving beyond that which as we addressed last year, for this blog to go forward I need to be able to talk about parts of my life that moved centre stage to it since the blog was started, I do take part in a Little's Chat night and we talked about children's television and in particular how the recent death of Brian Cant who narrated the Camberwick Green,  Trumpton,and Chigley trilogy of cartoons set in Trumptonshire in the nineteen sixties (repeated into the nineteen-seventies) and also was a present on the Play away and Play school programs for young children left us.

These shows were a part of our childhood and many of us felt close to their stars.

Looking back at structures and the need to be little

 

I often feel pretty much that young child to be honest and Bertie the teddy bear is a constant companion of mine just there when I need a hug and a cuddle.

I was talking with someone about the past, yes I know we has a present an' a future too but the past has lessons for you and is after all where you started out from and some of ideas I think are worth sharing.

One is given our chronological (so-called real life) ages, we've seen the world and the Countries we've lived in change from when we were little girls quite dramatically with the removal of many a Dictator, the greater freedom of expression of thought, religious beliefs and for differing ways of life.

We can to a very large extent say what with think without being arrested or effectively suppressed, in countries that had one majority faith, we can join and practice freely another and this is good.

One thing that perhaps for some of us is a negative is the way in which we've moved from very prescribed boundaries to such a state of rampant individualism that challenges any notion of social norms in our society.

We care less about how what we do may impact on others, the sense in which we are (and certainly I and people of my generation) felt being a part of a society that had shared aims and standards of behaviour in public at least. 

Everybody pretty much knew what was expected of them and that included respect for (adult) authority at home, at school, in the workplace never mind that of the Police even if they weren't perfect.

Today it seems that very much the idea of any respect for social rules has gone-want that seat on the train, grab it even if has been reserved, if at odds with each other in the street then call each other cuss words loudly in front of the under 12's, and so on to the point that it's hardly surprising that the only rules teens see exploring their emerging selves is that of own peer group in that way. 

While we tested the boundaries too, you knew adult authority would step in and critically your own folks would support them as having been punished for coming home the worse for drink once I'm well aware of shall we say.

For some us part of our being 'little' be it in caregiver relationships, or being just 'a little' may stem from a longing for those certainties be they from your own upbringing or perhaps looking back on those of others, you wish for them.

It provides some of the structure  we find ourselves craving.

Charlie Bear

Something unexpected was given to me at Christmas (and I'm still overdue one present!) but it needed shall we say a bit of work to give it some life.

You will of gathered from some of my comments the problem a feminine boy like me had when it came to getting the sorts of presents we might like cos while a train set is kewl, I just adore teddy bear kits with that whole given given an identity by you bit too.

That's right the Grafix build your own teddy bear  that needed some groan up assistance with it  as I don't do sowing and so on with my amazingly bad hand to eye co-ordination.

Well at least he's alive is Charlie Bear having been named, having his birth certificate filled out and quite huggable too.

Tis a good life to be a teddy bear of a little.

On bears and affection

 I slept during my earlier childhood with a teddy bear named after my first Headteacher because he reminded me of the warm affectionate, adult authority figure this man was in my life, taking an interest in me and disciplining me in his office whenever I needed it.

In my world as a child this bear was there keeping an eye on me as I slept so perhaps it's no wonder when I look upon his spanking of me, I associate it with a warm fuzzy feeling of love and affection.

An adult little gurl like me is best dressed and treated as that child all the way.