Being the emotional real adult child

 

 

For me what people call age regression has a different kind of a meaning, it's not that may not involve age playing in the sense of not being, not acting as an adult but rather while some play with characters with very fixed characteristics that may include a specific age not unlike most other kinds of role playing to me it's not role playing.

That is because I have a  "emotionally real inner kid"  who has a part in this which involves a very deep and personal connection when in age play that any adult sense of self isn't there so what you have is a fragile side of me that is looking for healing through this and so not only has child-like vulnerabilities through being at a developmental level a child but additional ones because a person in such a situation such as mentor, 'Foster parent' or Caregiver to being hurt by careless individuals who aren't sensitive to my needs being with them.

To that extent as far as is possible then for all intents and purposes, the hearts of inner children such as me should be treated with as much sensitivity as you would treat a real, biological child even if the law says the outer wrapping is 'adult'. 

The relating pattern will always be that of grown up, parent or guardian  to the child me so when you are involved at such a level emotionally to me, it needs to be an emotional commitment that is for the long haul and not just dropped when the next object of attention comes along.

When you do, you may very well be breaking the heart of someone who looked to you to protect them, to take care of you, to guard you. When that person vanishes suddenly and it has, it is disruptive to the healing process as an inner child I'm undergoing, and it does more damage than simply leaving a role playing site or just some girlfriend with which you were previously associated. 

How it is

 For me even pretending to be a grown up is just utterly futile cos it ain't even in me so it's best to just go and play having fun just like I did the first time I was this old.

Now which one shall I pick? Decisions, decisions!

Blow conventions: I'm still a kid at heart.

Revisiting the school girl look

 While it's very likely we'll talk about something else next week as we see the month out, we'll continue with a theme that's been running across the last two months.

There was a term I remember from the late 2000's and early 2010's that was used to describe the way you transposed what you saw on a female and applied that over to you as a feminine boy, sissy gurl or "cross dresser" that gave way to a blog: Femulation

It wasn't a matter of being totally that person but taking a chunk of how they presented as much of what had gone before was more routed in club or drag scene looks and this was more about dressing more like an actual female would.

Given I've scant interest in "femulating" to be a woman not least for being in so many ways a child in a adult sized body for me it's more about feminine looks of a child.

This was from a school boys protest where Academy School Management teams show their worst management methods on a regular basis but anyway the relevant thing was that white and black tartan plaid skirt.

It just looks right whatever that boys motivation for wearing it so why not thought I emulate that in a littles context?

I wasn't looking for a mini kilt which wouldn't of been realistic in that plaid nor a woman's skirt with buttons and zip fastenings.

That was more like it a fully elastic pull-on pleated skirt that is more juvenile in its feel which you could see with a blouse or school polo shirt and either short frilly socks or longer white or grey girls ones

It's been a while since I applied some fresh thoughts presenting more as a little sissy school gurl and this just lifts things from the usual grey or green junior skirts I have experimented with in the past.

A birthday for one

 

It is very much that time of the year again whatever else is going on the world that causes a birth date to go around after three hundred and  sixty-five days but in reality I am and feel no more older than I did decades ago even if what we use may be different.

A few things remain messed up after these last two year like ones family and any kind of going out is likely to be later on in the week as work continues on refitting one place we like to go.

Anyway given how this thing is with me it was entirely fitting that one neighbour bought me a bar of chocolate cos I really don't have any inclination toward anything specifically adult or interests even.

One thing I did get which goes back a few years for inspiration was a very special four cd and dvd set of the classic Elton John album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road that came out in 2014 which probably contains the highest amount per album of his best ever work including beyond the title track to take in Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting, Bennie and the Jets and Candle In The Wind.

I was a bit strapped for cash in that period so I bought a two cd "deluxe edition" that had the whole album plus on a second disc some remakes of the songs by today's artists such as The Band Perry and a selection from a live recording made at the Hammersmith Odeon in December of 1973 that was broadcast on the radio.

Really it was this set I wanted which give you alternative mixes and non album tracks used on the singles, the whole concert in its two halves and a dvd with surround sound mixes couples with a 100 page book.

I was very fortunate to have it bought for me from a store that still had a copy in.

 Similarly my original Blu Ray of this anime tended to make some funny noises while it played due to some fault in how the film was written onto the disc so the blu ray player can play it so I got a much recent copy that also includes the dvd which didn't have this issue included.

 There are other ways that past in the present in me shows.

The boy then had his records and this year is little different for having a few although three are to replace the records I had in a box set I was bought way back in 1978 being replacement  copies for the originals in my 1978 Beatles Singles Collection box set that miraculously still survives even if some of the things I had around that era do not.

The strength of that set always was hearing a set of world changing singles, then the pre-eminent type of records for teens as they were compiled and to which I have a strong emotional connection.

When the video was a thing I bought these, the first two feature films by the Beatles on stereo VHS tape and later on got the dvd replacements.

My parents bought me the fiftieth anniversary Blu ray editions with remastered  sound and image quality from the original film negatives to upgrade them  with .

There was a thing very much before BBS and Wikipedia that schoolgirls and boys used to look up facts and figures and find out about things they could join outside of the Encyclopaedia's your school or municipal library held.

Pears did a cut down version a mini Encyclopaedia in one volume and from that the even slimmer Junior Pear's which I had in 1978 which just had key facts and figures coupled with topics of interest which you could use as an aid to researching a topic.

That institution folded in 2017/18 but I had the 1994 34th Edition of the Junior Pears one this year because they still are of use helping to reduce time searching online for things.

I also had some money, white chocolate plus stocking filler things such as underwear and new socks.

Christmas and New Year Thoughts

This is more a joint a Christmas Day and New Years Eve post in one because really they all connect.

Christmas was marked with a Christmas Pause on my Tumblr accounts and Winnie The Pooh was chosen one one for the values A.A. Milne shows and Christopher Robin who was a boyhood inspiration in era where more overtly macho values were pushed.

Christmas Day was being with my parents but marked in a skirt and  white tights because I am and always was a Sissy Gurl and the conception of Tammy as from the original Friends Reunited original blogger identity was one that showed more of that Gurl, the boy by body with a feminine side me and this blog restored that right and centre in twenty twenty-one.

It avoided the agenda of others during that period and shortly afterwards in showing that as a transsexual thing but following a firmer little sissy gurl feminine with masculine traits one, making my own progress on a journey of my own choosing.

The other was the restoring of stronger more fitting feminine influences such as Jinty both in March's special of the redux for the twenty first century new characters and new stories for the originals with mysteries, sport and adventure and this Christmas with a period annual.

For Tammy then the encouragement and alignment with more harder "ballsy" tom boyish attitudes, determination and values within the sissy gurl forming one single coherent body and soul is the aim for this next year.

The reflective and thoughtful had always belonged but some boys as he become older by birth age had tried to push him away from that, but it was always a part of an eternal junior school boy and so influences and role models like Rupert The Bear came back with a new annual to read and enjoy.

The Beano and the Dandy were staple comics I read back then and while the Dandy no longer comes out as a weekly both have specials and annuals to this day so I had the twenty twenty-two annuals and a special themed compilation of older Beano and Dandy cartoon strips that reference artist endeavours by characters pas and present.

The main present was a BR 3F 0-6-0 "Jinty" locomotive number 47458 made by Hornby that can be played with like the all plastic set he had as a little infant boy.

I do have a need for a small paper diary even though it is (just) twenty twenty-one, a high tech computerized touch of a button era, and this is ideal linking past and present.

"Embrace new beginnings" could not be a more apt tag line for this little sissy embracing both their masculinity and femininity sides as one within a single sexual identity, that of a sissy no more or less being free to be me.

Investment

Covid or not, it is time to make those first footways along the path I have joined  and we start getting our Brownies badge.

That can be fastened to our tunic.

We got the pack we need to work through, learning about the history of Brownies, the role of the imps, the place the Toadstool plays in meeting and our promise which is a solemn thing we don't just learn parrot fashion but learn in our understanding of what it means in our everyday lives.

This is the modern version, inclusive of other faiths directly although back when I was officially younger we talked more of God.

Those values are really what I need and in time I would be able to show my abilities by gaining badges.

How people get it wrong

 I was not so well this week with a sore throat and muzzy pretty much migraine head so I had to rest a good deal.

Somebody suggested in view of my issues with Tumblr and more specifically with certain communities and age dysphoric me I might go to a "adult" tumblr equivalent but that ignores my need for under 13 child friendly content which a place full of adult kink would have and a picture like this would be banned there even though its perfectly safe cos they think that's putting kid in kink, which is wrong but actually  being Age Dysphoric certainly isn't a kink.

It's being literally a child in an adults body where we do look at other kids shown as they would in catalogue and official toy products or I may want to have pictures of childhood because shock horror I'm still going through and living as that.

I am Brownie in spirit, I play and read comics and dress more as a child up to and including wearing school type attire as one and not for kinky age play role playing so really that would be like sending a ten year old to a sex shop to play.

I think it only goes to show how muddled up some groan ups are about adult children like me.

Giving your best

 

With my disabilities it's often so much like this, the long hard slog to attempt to dress yourself smartly as that little sissy that takes a lot out of you before you've began the day with a bowl of cornflakes.

Sometimes you need that arm around you with clearly expressed love and support for trying to be an independent little sissy able to get a wash and dress hurself as you hold your favourite teddy bear as a eternal ten year old who is 'immature' for their age.

Things have changed over the decades and in the modern era girls do wear pj's often with either pastel strips or characters which is an option for gurls like me

The classic remains however soft frilly nightdresses such as this Disney Frozen one which is so feminine that this sissy can be put into with pink frilly undies and bed socks.

How it is

 For me even pretending to be a grown up is just utterly futile cos it ain't even in me so it's best to just go and play having fun just like I did the first time I was this old.

Blow conventions: I'm still a kid.

Handing it all back

 Sometimes you realize the distance you have travelled in ways that may seem a bit odd

Lockdown was a big change in how things went in March last year that few of us expected and none of us ever actually wanted so much as announcement that took a while to actually take in because in so many ways everything around our lives had been changed BY ORDER.

There was no "Would you awfully mind doing this to help us all?" There was NO CHOICE.

If there was any lasting extent of adult or at least adolescent notions of making up your own mind about what to do, handling any risks personally that was totally gone and from my vantage point it felt familiar.

To me a age dysphoric child of ten, it was as if ADULT AUTHORITY had grabbed me by the arm and was ordering me rather like Head Teachers did telling me at any one point what to do and with no place for me consider what it and any suddenly announced changes were about.

To me it was that very much I was expected to be silly little person of no importance who just followed the rules and did what they were told.

For all that Coronavirus brought, I moved past many of those issues facing fears head on, exploring and actually enjoying being that little all over again as with much of the community off work or working from home our worlds crossed and I was accepted for just being that, getting on with life, following the guidance.

I decided to wear skirts of the sort when I was originally ten experimenting between the long socks that were worn more with them in that era and tights which are common for juniors today.

I did sometimes wear short trousers of the brevity I did back then where it would be more dignified too.

Partially it was because I was trying to deal with dysphoria by looking more as I felt on the inside but also as an outward symbol of my complacence with a state of DOING WHAT YOU ARE TOLD.

 I went out as much as we were allowed and in the first months it was just once a day and just explored and even played imaginary games in the countryside as the playground was shut for a big period but I could make my very own playground when I act out the games we played running, crawling across gravel and grass leaving any passing adults to get on with their own thing.

I found over time I just lost any vestige of being an adult increasingly taking a younger role in adult company feeling comfortable with that and that in strange way publicly tearing up my adult status meant I forged a new and lower status.

The status of adulthood was never a thing I wanted simply because I hadn't the means of using it to make a life I felt happy with nor did I 'get' what it was about because all I wanted was the life of a feminine boy or sissy gurl.

I saw my reflection in the window the other day, a person with a patterned bobble hat, blue short coat, grey short shorts or a skirt with grey turn over top socks with two purple stripes walking down the road.

I saw ME in the reflection.

By losing all airs of adulthood I gained what I wanted: The Status of a Little.

It is all I am.

New Year Thoughts

It is the New Year so we often look at the old year and what we wish for the new  and to me outside of an end to Covid it is really a better and wider understanding of what being LSG is.

The extent to which and to what those of us who do dress and may be feel more like a feminine boy are regarded in society is at one level a personal thing.

For some it is little more than a sense of re-enactment wearing the attire, typically a school uniform that connects with your childhood past where you might explore or otherwise 'play' scenes from your past gaining enjoyment from doing just that.

For others such as myself there is a strong sense of "the eternal child" in many respects emotionally and mentally in a child's mindset that even if you took away that uniform, would still be there.

With me it also links to having a disability where I am permanently child-like having the development of an actual child which is fixed and is therefore not something that one could switch off from.

Everything for me stems from that child's mind in a adults physical body so it isn't 'pure' regression with a point you enter into it and can exit and even less can it be considered age playing where for some brief and specified period I 'become' that little and then go into full adulthood.

I always am it.

I generally prefer to call myself an Adult Little as that is just it with nothing involving being 'little' with any kind of sexual relationship or bdsm connections.

It doesn't matter how I present, I am still that little.

Actually it is quite fine to be coming from things from whatever angle actually applies to you.

Trans age rant

 

Ever notice how people react with a disgusting and unwarranted amount of vitriol towards those who "don't act their age"?

Seriously, what is it about being immature that causes such nastiness in people? As long as your so-called immaturity isn't hurting anyone, why do they care? 

Everyone knows to be kind and understanding towards people with disabilities, mental illness, and so on, but have they ever stopped to think that maybe immature people can't help it either? 

So WHAT if I become obsessive over celebrities and fictional characters? So WHAT if you deem me to be "too old" for that kind of stuff? 

Why do you have to treat me like human garbage just because my interest and personality is that of a person younger than the number of years I've been alive?

It may be true for people whose current bone age up to thirty to be given some latitude having interests in Fandoms, celebrities and perhaps following some interests from their teens but my generation was pushed onto serious topics, having plushies ripped from you, prized toys prized out of your hands, discouraged from having posters.

You had to read "grown up" books which was a bloody laugh when I didn't have the reading comprehension to do so, wanting to dress as a character in film or book was called "Silly" and childish.

Just goes to show how horribly most people treat those who buck the status quo.

It gets so bad for some of us that we’re called pxdos and people say that we “act that way” to attract kids somehow. I had a disrupted childhood and have always had a fixation on toys and arts and crafts and cute things. I experience involuntary age regression and am autistic and I’m tired of being seen as cringe, creepy and even predatorial. It hurts so much. I’m just a big kid trying to relax.

That's the thing. They assume that about us, and then all rational conversation shuts down–like they don't even want to hear anything further. 

Like, how fucked up in the head do you have to be that your mind automatically goes there when you hear about trans-age people? To me it sounds like THEY'RE the ones with the problem, not us. And besides, how could we be (those people) when we are kids ourselves??? As kids (with the exception of maybe the teenagers among us), it's not even possible for us to experience sexual attraction of any kind!!! We are literally CHILDREN! Stop trying to steal our innocence and turn us into monsters.

We are a Child of xx Years

 

A person who can discuss current affairs, science while watching children's tv, reading a comic or magazine, enjoying playing a game or 'plays' with his toys is a...CHILD, specifically a GURL.

Because I have turned over 18 but still am the same does not make me an ADULT because I'm not acting as an adult because that is a status I am not living as.

Intellectual deficits do work in different ways meaning while I could do one thing, the more mundane adult roles may be beyond me. 

There is nothing wrong with adulthood but that is is a status that should be conferred who have achieved it in way that is marked in his community with the extra rights and responsibilities that come with it.

Those of us who haven't actually need to be treated as children by our communities cared for by the actual adults. 

What it is

 

What this whole thing, this whole blog was about really is finding the real you from all the attempts at gender, age and other social conformities I and countless others were and have been subjected to from the moment we emerged from the womb.

For some it is relatively simple - they just were boys or girls who became men and women within the mainstream of what socially at least it meant.

With me it was more complex liking my physical boyish body but loving to wear clothes associated with girls and even to share in their interests when that of boys around me did not because of being so very feminine.

It takes extra layers on for not wanting nor feeling like a man but just as much not being a woman either because I never felt an adult or even really an older child most of the time being pretty much a child for life mentally at least.

The gain of the last few years has been being that sissy gurl adult but child in his dress or short trousers playing with his dollies, reading comics, letting the grown up world go by.

Age Dysphoria

I did not realize it it until this week there is a specific term to describe how somebody like me feels  and that word is similar to a word I do know that some people tried to use on me and which I have commented earlier on about.

The word is Age Dysphoric. Basically it means you are deeply ill at ease with you chronological age to the point you feel you cannot function as that person of that age, that you feel the pressure to be the age you haven't reached you may feel suicidal or at the very least really stressed by and you cannot relate to others in your peer group because you're really that much younger.

The emphasis placed upon being Adult, especially Adult at eighteen when it wasn't long after I was born that actually the legal age of adulthood was brought down from 21 by which point you could vote, stand in an election and would of finished a under graduate degree course is intense and it doesn't even actually start at eighteen.

Some example of the Age Dysphoria include such things as chewing at the emerging hairs on my arms frequently because I couldn't stand the sight and feel of adult arms growing on me and cutting my pubic hair off.

I can remember a painful experience when I was ganged up on and bullied by health professionals at a school because they felt at seventeen I should of known a pre-prepared meal for me was as I was late returning to school looked like and distinguished that from one put aside for a diabetic child when I did not know what the meal was and in any event I had asked a grown up to get it for me and had said I wasn't a diabetic.

If it was anyone's fault I had the "wrong" meal it was the person who worked in the kitchen but they kept going on and one about it, how I'd deprived a child for a meal, that at My age I should of known so much it triggered my sensory overload and thanks to my audible processing disorder I just froze over and all they could do is then berate me publicly for ignoring them ignoring my known and documented disabilities just cos they weren't physical.

See age had nothing to do with my problems in that sense as it wasn't a matter of age so much as they felt I should of had the expectations of a child who did not have my conditions which include brain damage and almost certainly autism. 

A child was was actually no where no the cusp of adulthood and NEVER could of been.

It was just a stick the able bodied staff used to beat me with.

Getting it together

We have been looking at this whole topic around being developmentally much younger than your years and the extent to which there is age dysphoria that you do feel that mismatch and what is not so generally understood is to a large extent it only gets worse over time as peoples expectations around where you "should" be become more pronounced and for some when they look appreciably older they tend to stick out more.

Fortunately I do look a hell of lot younger than my years even if my hair has signs of ageing but I'll add I have cousins fifteen years younger that are totally bald and some by nineteen are starting to lose hair.

Some feel that going to some sort of school as this xx age going on in my case ten self helps ground us and I can see how the structures just might.

To me it would have to be a place of actual lessons and break times that you be attending pretty much a "real" school setting even if it had the rules and that of one in my era and not just a backdrop for adult services and the like.

They way I look is so much like that with my dresses or skirts being as short on me as they were as a ten year old in the nineteen seventies showing much leg even with turn over top over the knee socks on.

There is just no way any *real adult* female would wear school uniform - theirs would be just above the knee too - and my charcoal grey ones scream out junior as my community accepts my lack of adult status.

Losing it may seem hard and it has been but it's been a relief to not be seen as anything other than functionally a little  who men and women look after as their own child.

How it is

 For me even pretending to be a grown up is just utterly futile cos it ain't even in me so it's best to just go and play having fun just like I did the first time I was this old.

Another side effect of it was you couldn't get away from the consequences of your actions having a traditional spanking from grown ups but you felt more comfortable knowing so.

Blow conventions: I'm still a kid.

The Year of the Feminine Gurl

This year is going to be pretty much one of being totally little in that all but the most necessary elements of adulthood won’t be given time of day anymore simply because it was obvious to me over Christmas frankly they’re so unnecessary.

They are unnecessary because they have little to do with the state of being me, that is to say how I think, what I think about and how I think about me as I sat just like that child back then did taking out their lego and just playing with it casually.

I just came and act from that whole space even explaining to one sibling why I do some of these little things I do who strangely enough had no problem with and even admitted when he found the adult world to much he went back to some of his childhood pursuits.

Moreover this is will be a year where I will dress in a skirt or maybe grey short trousers with something approximating school type uniform with just a toning down depending on exactly I might get to but nevertheless looking more a little with their long grey or white pereline socks on with school shoes.

That no one in my family has an issue with how I present nor anyone in my wider community who have known me personally from primary school onwards such as Karl who saw me on Sunday is an indication of just how being me needs nothing more than a little careful thought.

This year adulthood is out - it WILL be the year of the feminine gurl.

 

Role playing?

There are times when I do feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall  of one one them is when it is people insist this thing I write about is just a role play that I elect to play some of the time.

Now it isn't that there's anything wrong of itself with role playing someone who is younger although people do argue about how far and in what context it should be if that is what you feel (and clearly there is a need as it is being met commercially).

No, it's that for some of us it is more going back in your headspace so you are responding as if you were that child or for people like me that in reality a chunk of you is always in a child-like mode and that in effect you are an adult sized child.

Now interesting at a mainstream spanking site of all places there was a link placed to an online magazine that used a actual 1936 test for Emotional Age that people such as psychologists did use to assess the emotional maturity of people as distinct from going just by chronological age.

As it happened I did it which involved answering with a Yes or No a series of twenty-five questions based on certain scenarios, a marking scheme and a calculation to convert the marks to assessed Emotional Age.

The result I got from this was shockingly close to how I had assessed in my own head my my emotional age as I know to be very truthful I am 'immature' in certain respects and not able to function at an adult level.

The test score made me 11.3 years old.  I have maintained for a good number of years I was around  10 and not older than 12 simply because I never 'felt' older, able to carry what anyone older could and it was obvious even in childhood that was so.

Now let's go back to that assertion and again consider if I am 'age playing' here or not?

NO-what is going on is the handling by the standards more of my own era of a 'child' in effect -me- by adults who of necessity have to be parental, have to do things and set boundaries, reinforcing them strictly.

That's the goddam truth.

Getting that cubby feeling

This last week has been interesting with the usual mix of a few decades past and the current intermingled as I found memories of original childhood experienced in my second as that child in an adult body.

It has also been an interesting one for being out exploring nature, watching, feeling and hearing it intently.

I have observed the habits of Squirrels, watched on a daily basis the changes in the hue and colour of the leaves on all our local trees and a good many insects.
Indeed actually on Saturday, I observed at close quarters hundreds of Ladybirds out in the fall sun that must of emerged.

An example of the Harlequin Ladybird I saw is this one which I took a picture of while a wasp seemed to take an interest in my hat!

Wild berries were also out too although normally it is a little late in the season to see them.

While I can never be invested into the cubs nor actually be awarded the badges, this week I feel the sense of being a scout in spirit learning more their woodcraft  and scouting skills such as observation while having fun.

While at the time Cubs was the only option, really my resumption would be exclusively as a Brownie, a Brownie In Spirit with all the girl friendly traditions, promises and beliefs as a gurl.

That is where I belong and I shall work on.

The very things that are passported into the remainder of your life after that stage even after moving from having a boyhood to being a sissy gurl still benefit you.