Handing it all back

 Sometimes you realize the distance you have travelled in ways that may seem a bit odd

Lockdown was a big change in how things went in March last year that few of us expected and none of us ever actually wanted so much as announcement that took a while to actually take in because in so many ways everything around our lives had been changed BY ORDER.

There was no "Would you awfully mind doing this to help us all?" There was NO CHOICE.

If there was any lasting extent of adult or at least adolescent notions of making up your own mind about what to do, handling any risks personally that was totally gone and from my vantage point it felt familiar.

To me a age dysphoric child of ten, it was as if ADULT AUTHORITY had grabbed me by the arm and was ordering me rather like Head Teachers did telling me at any one point what to do and with no place for me consider what it and any suddenly announced changes were about.

To me it was that very much I was expected to be silly little person of no importance who just followed the rules and did what they were told.

For all that Coronavirus brought, I moved past many of those issues facing fears head on, exploring and actually enjoying being that little all over again as with much of the community off work or working from home our worlds crossed and I was accepted for just being that, getting on with life, following the guidance.

I decided to wear skirts of the sort when I was originally ten experimenting between the long socks that were worn more with them in that era and tights which are common for juniors today.

I did sometimes wear short trousers of the brevity I did back then where it would be more dignified too.

Partially it was because I was trying to deal with dysphoria by looking more as I felt on the inside but also as an outward symbol of my complacence with a state of DOING WHAT YOU ARE TOLD.

 I went out as much as we were allowed and in the first months it was just once a day and just explored and even played imaginary games in the countryside as the playground was shut for a big period but I could make my very own playground when I act out the games we played running, crawling across gravel and grass leaving any passing adults to get on with their own thing.

I found over time I just lost any vestige of being an adult increasingly taking a younger role in adult company feeling comfortable with that and that in strange way publicly tearing up my adult status meant I forged a new and lower status.

The status of adulthood was never a thing I wanted simply because I hadn't the means of using it to make a life I felt happy with nor did I 'get' what it was about because all I wanted was the life of a feminine boy or sissy gurl.

I saw my reflection in the window the other day, a person with a patterned bobble hat, blue short coat, grey short shorts or a skirt with grey turn over top socks with two purple stripes walking down the road.

I saw ME in the reflection.

By losing all airs of adulthood I gained what I wanted: The Status of a Little.

It is all I am.