The Year of the feminine gurl, Part Two

In 2019 I wrote a piece entitled “The Year of the Gurl”, written just after Christmas 2018 where I looked how I had moved from my arrival first at one site in April of that year to how it was I was being my little self that Christmas in a family context accepted for being that little feminine gurl.

No one not even me could have foreseen how that year could of ended up a year where on Christmas I was dressed from totally as that boy right down to grey shorts or skirts and grey with blue banded socks with a grey school jumper on in front of them all, playing.

It also was a year where on three occasions in the huge political uncertainty in that time I arrived to vote in elections, in person dressed as that little in front of people I have know some connected to my own involvement in politics who just accepted me as I was and for other reasons had to be examined by people who also saw me dressed the same way, totally unfazed and respectful of who and what I am.

While this blog doesn’t go deeply into it, it also was the year I moved totally from those situations and people who tried to undermine my own sense of what to be a sissy gurl was and my very real feminine side, sticking up for my right to be unshakably me and to associate more with them to help me with standing up for myself.

It was a year of personal growth and security in clear cut  identity unparalleled where as I type this I feel so much better in myself for all of that which I am sure some including “Sammy” can tell straight off from when we first met.

She even accepted my feminine side including wearing skirts as part of what being a feminine boy or sissy gurl was for me even though it was not for them personally but the thing we both realized was I wasn't in any way a girl and people who tried to see me that way had really got it wrong.

I was very much a feminine gurl in a skirt!

While a certain amount of care may be needed  toning down on anything with logo’s and the like in certain public settings, the year will begin as it began represented in grey shorts or skirts and a uniform, being little and being an increasingly confident as that sissy.

Christmas 2019

Sleighbells are ringing, the lights are on the artificial tree so I'm up and out of jim jams and into my uniform for a touch of breakfast ready to open these presents that are just in the corner of the room in a pile. 

Although this came out in March of twenty nineteen it was a highlight of this Christmas which is why it's at the top of the mast for this entry.

It's a special compilation not like the Beano and Dandy one about a theme but one of an entire comic strip run from the girls comic Jinty and Lindy from the mid nineteen seventies with a ecocentric sci fi story.

That was the original comic front cover that introduced it.

Due to increased climate change, the sun starts to melt the ice caps and evaporates the world's oceans, causing an onslaught of never ending rain. At first young Hazelford resident, Fran Scott, finds the whole thing amusing, but as the town begins to disappear underwater, the desperation of her predicament becomes all too clear.

After losing her parents in the chaos, Fran decides to seek out her sister June, who recently moved to Scotland. But as the situation gets worse and society begins to crumble around her, Fran must overcome a vast array of dangers, including disease, wild animals, marauding gangs of vicious thugs and most bizarre of all, the self-proclaimed king of Glasgow!

This is a scan from page twenty that shows Phil Gascoine's talent who was a British comics artist, best known for his work in comics such as Jinty, Bunty, and Battle Action, for which he drew The Sarge.

The entire story clearly indicates that children back then we're far more mature in mindset, as they easily handled such hard hitting themes as survival, starvation, illness, and even death.

Comics such as Jinty were a forbidden fruit to boys, something you could only borrow from a girl you trusted not to blab to your mates about it  and yet here is a story that would not of been out of place in any "boys own" comic showing fortitude and resilience so to have this compilation now is just lovely. 

The Beano today is different than what it was even in 2005 never mind how it was in the 70's and 80's the top comic for boy and girls as I recall well so rather than buying the new annual in the modern rather PC world, I had this 1976 edition, a year from the one I had last year which more as I remember it.

It takes me back to that time and the childhood I had.

I did have this years Christmas special edition of the comic though.

No Christmas could be complete for me without a link to Christmas pasts so I had the Dandy 2020 Annual with all my favourite Dandy characters in it not least Winker Watson, Korky the Cat and Desperate Dan.

I got the compilation in the "Classic" series entitled Chortle With Chums with stories on that theme from the Dandy and Beano archives printed very much as is.

Rupert The Bear was a love of early boyhood so in with the stocking fillers is his 2020 annual which really is a reprint of stories from the past complete with original illustrations which is as well as many years ago things like Rupert annuals were just removed.

I don't need Rupert annuals from the past as a grown up collecting thing in the way some do so much as I need that connection from him to the Eternal Gurl.

I do like to read but good new stuff is hard to find however this Adventure story for 9-13 year olds is just the thing for little me being written more for those of us who like a gripping adventure with no signal virtueing.

I think most children have what you might call a  "big present", the main and usually more expensive one and for me it is one that builds on last years, namely the Lego 11004 "Classic" Windows and doors set that adds those items and more lego bricks to last years classic set.

Playing with my Lego was what little sissy gurl me needed and still needs, enjoying making and using my imagination in play.

While I am a Brownie, my childhood exposure was very much with Cubs I had this past annual to both remind me of boys at that time did as cubs inspire me working towards our own objectives .

When it comes to more of the "Stocking Fillers" one advantage of this current year being very much "The Year of The Gurl" is a lot of the ambiguity of recent years just went and so people went more with what they saw and what in the past it always was.

Traditionally made and fitting into the tradition of what Aunts brought me, it was fitting to be given something useful to wear, a sign of the distance travelled in the last couple of years.

My neighbour knitted me a grey hat with black trim apart from giving me some chocolates also seeing very much me on the streets talking to them.

Outside of the literal stocking fillers a specifically girls own colouring book that ties into that passionate interest of mine to help with my hand-eye co-ordination and some nice frilly knickers.

If the year began as "The Year of The Gurl" it ends with a suitable adult free Christmas that from love contains within it a very gurlish  feminine feel that I'm most comfortable nay happy for.

Christmas was the great mix for the adult little gurl me.

Now That's What I Call Music CD

Week two of Advent, a day after the General Election so it's too early begin anything about the outcome of although I did go out and vote myself.

 One thing getting on for some thirty-five years ago reminds me a little of this time of year is the original release of the compilation lp/tape Now That's What I Call Music 4 which came out in Late November of 1984 which I did buy at the time on record.

As some people may be aware it appears the original albums of this 104 plus special editions series are slowly coming out on cd because while cds were a thing in 1984 there were not many issued plus they tended to be a lot more expensive than records and tapes.

There was a kind of Now 4 issued on cd in a very limited release but only ten tracks from the 30 on album plus a few from Now 3 and 2 so I was pleased to pick this new cd version up recently.
I say version of because there are a few different versions compared to original which is an issue in trying to replicate a series that had a few one of a kind mixes on apart from licensing issues today that didn't apply back then.

The good news is that the Special Remix of No More Lonely Nights by Paul McCartney was used even though  a shorter version of Nick Heyward's Warning Sign minus two raps somehow got selected. It's always good to hear Too late For Goodbyes by Julian Lennon, son of the former Beatle.

The original album had some earlier Motown hits as by this point they'd agreed to let songs that were hit singles go on such compilations so we get Lionel Richie's unforgettable Hello. 

On the whole though I think it does a good job of replicating  this set that many of us had at the time

This member of the series didn't do too well as two tracks by Gary Glitter and Bob Marley on the original lp and tape from early June 1984 were removed on this cd and there were a number of significant version mix ups

February 1984's  NOW 2 which took in the Christmas 1983 and winter of 1984 hits had a few errors that would irritate those 'in the know' but was generally okay apart from a totally different version of Joe Fagen's That's Living Alright

The one that showed the series concept was a winner from early December 1983,in  time for the iconic tv advertising on ITV and Channel 4was a virtual Greatest Hits of 1983 with hits by Kajagoogoo, Limahl, Duran Duran, Culture Club and Genesis amongst many others.
The sleeve does list the missing number ones of 1983 too.

There had been a short lived card sleeve double cd of this issued in 2003, the thirtieth anniversary but that had been out of print for a while. 

While the series on cd has its issues and would of better issued earlier in the day to catch sales of those who may of wanted to replaced their lps or tapes, it does help fill the gaps for those of us who bought the later cd issues from Now '86 onward. 

New frilly panties for this sissy gurl

We've spoken a couple of times about underwear as it applies to feminine boys or sissy gurls  such as myself because it is very important being literally the most intimate garment we do wear and Manties who were the bye word for quality panties for men around 2000's to 2017 appear to have ceased trading.

Speaking personally I am not given to what are generally classed as "sissy panties"  with loads and loads ribbons, rhumba pants and those aimed more at the fetish side as for me they are effeminate rather than feminine.  

From my stand point our underwear is very much a defining  part of the what and the why we are feminine boys and so it needs to not only feel soft on us but send out the right message and so must have frilly lace trim not just on the waist band but on the legs with elastication too fitting snugly around our boy bits.

I'm trying these satin and lace aqua blue kickers on underneath my skirts and dresses by Satini, from PolkaDOT fashion wear made in Leicestershire, here in the Midlands.

Little Headspace and the sissy gurl

This week while nursing a bad foot I've been thinking a bit more about Headspace.

What is Headspace?

Headspace to me means the vantage point my mind looks upon everything around of it and relates to it in real time, being a felt, experienced and physical thing I interact with that ties in your sense of you in time and space.

People can have differing senses of head space not least of you're a Middle or Little because you may have, depending on your own development a more adult sense of what you do and how you'd see your role as well as a younger one where in effect you go back to those things and ways of looking at life that you may recall from your childhood.

The way people may move from one to another depends on the individual and their circumstances such as you may have a triggering thing such as a particularly activity that from the second you start to interact with it, you subconsciously move to that side of you.

For example I used to find being in schools often brought out the more Junior side of me so much so if I was left their for long enough on my own I'd 'drop' into being that child or playing with say dolls just does.

It may be also that how you are attired does and with me putting on my school clothes like what I'm wearing right now typing this 'throws the switch'.

I think one thing a good number of us find useful is where we can meet up because it enables us to interactive not just with our own person sense of being a Middle or Little in such a headspace but also with others as if we were over at other folks houses playing which I think is something many of us did as children and it's that kind of feeling we're recreating.

When looking at recreating there is a question to be asked about the extent to which it is or can be complete replication simply because the nature being a child and the 'play' has itself changed over the decades.

The modern child has electronic play devices and quite often access to say a Tablet Computer which may be used to play games on or join sites like Club Penguin or use to write or draw things on. A computer may be part of your Little/Middle headspace.

How much of that we may do when we're together is something that we'll need to work through in the same way thoughtful parents do with their own children and for similar reasons because it is easy-too easy perhaps-to have a situation where we're all huddled together but staring into our own screens so while individually we're having fun the one thing we aren't doing is interacting with each other. That is a genuine concern.

The other area with that and the all pervasive Smartphone is handling Adult related things such as any requirements an individual may have to check emails and the like from 'work' which whatever your personal thoughts on the rights and wrongs of  (and I think it has for some gotten too intrusive in folks free time) such things are part of their working conditions they are expected to comply with when outside work such as at such meets.

I feel it needs to be done in way that doesn't disturb the Middle/Little space of other people attending which may involve say the use of your own private space or a designated area and certainly the associated electrical accessories like chargers need to out of peoples way when sitting or walking about.

For some of us, though this isn't necessarily the biggest threat to that very headspace at all and while I won't speak for everybody one reason I do like being in that Middle/Little space is to be free from adult level intrusions not least those I have functional difficulties with.

When we were younger the Grown Ups, knew it mattered that while the Big World went on around us, it was wrong for that to dominate Our World so some conversations and topics were 'not for young ones ears' because playing talking through our thoughts and ideas mattered more for us.

That's why it does matter to some of us the sense of leaving things like political, religious and 'adult matters' out of where we are playing, talking or even sleeping and it may be sensible to check with any Little or Middle if they wish to be involved in or ideally leave that to as something in another room people may do.

Personally I have no inclination at all to engage in discussion around those areas simply because it's not part of Middle me that comes to meets apart from experiences in other groups that had allowed it lead to enmities between folk whose reason for being together had had nothing to do with these topics.

To me then to the extent one cannot and would not want to restrict what people can talk about not least that of any groan ups/Caregivers present, there's something to be said for holding back it until after little bed time  or perhaps of having that in just one area of a meet you'd make a deliberate point  of entering.

That way it's managed but those of us who are either playing or just resting have our needs respected so we can enjoy ourselves in our younger headspace freely.

For me  part of that freedom comes from the knowledge that groan ups will step in and discipline me if I am getting out of or at risk of injuring myself so I just act on the me within and not be so concerned about what if it goes all pear shaped that I just sit there terrified to do anything cos I don't feel able to put it right.

To conclude being in it to me is the mark of being a middle or little. It is us.

Winnie the pooh

I have always loved the Winnie The Pooh stories from childhood.

There are many inspiring lines to be found within the stories that have a real benefit to boys and girls.

Christopher Robin is a childhood hero of mine.

You were always warned about the fair weathered friends who wanted to be in with you and those who perhaps less pushy were more minded to stick with through the thick and the thin, sticking up for you even if it may not be popular.

Real friendship is based on mutual respect for one another, knowing when things are best done together but respecting when we need to be alone with our thoughts but prepared to come in and comfort us as needed.

Being yourself as that child and adult little

 

Life when you are Tammy had it's up and downs growning up the most obvious being I'd sooner have an option for uniform that I felt comfortable in either that traditionally associated with boys or girls even if having made that choice, I had to abide by for consistencies sake for the whole term.

I would of freely chosen to wear a skirt and matching white, grey or black long socks and conformed to the same skirt length rules as the girls.

I always loved dolls and even had a few  but most relatives never bought me one, thought it was odd and worst of all I couldn't share freely my interest in dolls with the kids in school.

This sort of collectors doll was what I prized so much with her scaled down domestic furniture all set out beautifully.

It's interesting by making a word a plural and converting dolls to dollies the whole images changes from more historical fashion based interest and collecting to playing with dollies designed to star in adventures in your own imagination.

Playing with dollies was "forbidden fruit" but sissy gurl me loved it, dressing them up from head to toe.

I had toy cars but ones that linked to things like Barbie such as this convertable were more where I was at because they would fit in with that evolving girlie adventure story in my mind I so wanted to share with others such as girls.

Sport after leaving junior school was impacted by gender lines but even before then uniform was more of an issue with me and as I wanted to play Netball and Hockey which were girl only too at the time I would of wanted to wear a netball skort like the boy on the left who looks great in it.

Again outside of the options for sports, I so desperately wanted an option for my P.E and Games kit, renewable on a termly basis that reflected my gender identity.

This battle is so worth fighting for todays gender variant kids and in the context of adult littles also within some of those communities that have the same closed mindsets when people like me wish to play with them.

The ghoulish years

 Last weekend I was away at Halloween party for age regressors.

It's interesting to reflect on how it has been in the last three and a bit decades the way we mark this time of the year has changed because over here in the UK Halloween as such wasn't marked but people did hold All Hallows Day parties with guising and toffee apples.

The more recent custom of Trick and Treat isn't native to the UK but an import from the States a good number hold the children's tv program  Blue Peter responsible for doing a feature on in the early eighties that then spread like topsy.

Into that the participates created outfits to which people rewarded with candy and it wasn't long before as in the States commercial outfits became widely available even if face paint and the like obviously was hand applied.

In this country it cuts into the Guy Fawkes season where we mark the foiled attempt to blow up the Houses of Parliament with effigies, bonfires and fireworks in 1605.

For that ear muffs may help as some fireworks are really loud!

One thing that has changed in recent years is I am more focused on my behaviour at least as far as it may impact on others from knowing when not to get into conversations that are not really to do with me, taking turns well and being safe such as with using sharp knives for pumpkin carving because the increased use of physical and non physical chastisement  that can be used discretely such as a smack out of sight help me to keep those traits in check more which makes being out with people more enjoyable. 

For me then, this weekend was  a great one.

Thoughts on leaving Junior school

This is being written while I recover from a damaged ankle which is very painful but this time of year often sees me thinking back in time to past events not least my past boyhood.

I recently saw this picture one presumes taken late summer last year of a "Year Six) or to me J4 leavers service of the sort we had as part of the process of transition that had included visiting for a day a secondary school the majority of the year group would transfer to, writing up about the subjects we'd taken in Junior school and a service.

Actually, to tell you the truth when I saw this picture I did feel a bit sad actually because for me, Jacqueline and a few others it was the point we realized  we would be at the margins of the group because we wouldn't transfer with them and as you countless know, daytime school groups transfer over to things like sports groups, the "Youth Club" and so on resulting us being marginalized.

For me it was near total because I was going to boarding school so daily after school contact in a pre-internet age was non existent so the few I did manage to keep in contact with through things like the Methodist Chapel do matter and some those contacts have been maintained through 'adult' positions in the community like being a Council Chairman or involved in other groups that paradoxically put me in positions of some real stature in this community that the others didn't get around to.

On Monday, I was about when I called over a friend l know who was living at his fathers old house here and to which I'd know backward from the days we'd call on each other to play and we got talking about how each other was and that.

He was one of six I had regular contact with over the years and that was when I realized that as unfortunate as that break was as a J4 leaver, actually I hadn't really lost anything of value because those friendships still remain right now. It is a part of how we relate to each other. 

The remembrance parade

 It's a time of year I associate with both Bonfires which we used to have with elaborate displays and communal catering and also Remembrance Day parades which I attended going up and down tree lined country roads.

Around this time of the year I think about Remembrance Day and those days in my past parading with cubs, brownies, scouts, guides and the British Legion, paying our respects.

I also had to change the clocks around too as we went off Daylight saving yesterday.

Next weeks blog may be delayed as I'll be away at the weekend and probably too shattered to post anything.

Bye for now.

Getting that Cubby feeling II

This week as we're well into Autumn I was outside exploring Brownie style in grey shorts and socks taking a few pictures.

The local trees are a little late changing colour this year but this group looked just great having spotted one of few dry moments  with sunshine to capture them.

At ground level  good number of leaves have already fallen and in with them were bits of branches and pine cones.

I took back in the coat pocket of my red cagoule this Horse Chestnut aka a Conker, one a a good number and the least damaged of them which we played Conkers with when I was younger.

Berries are out and these were in a hedgerow nearby where I did spot a few finches scuttling about.

These leaves bring back a lot of memories as they were near my first school, the building still surviving but repurposed for light engineering as even then I always followed the seasons.

This was always what I loved.

October reflections

 

Everything starts from somewhere and that somewhere included little rituals like reading comics such as the Beano every Wednesday and in a sea of changes that has seen many comics go and changed reading habits that's still a constant.

Most of us could relate to the world of the Bash Street Kids even if mirroring real life over the decades that's changed too and I adored Minnie The Minx.

We formed bonds too with our closest friends hanging out with them by choice for ages, we helped each other out in both practical ways and also by just talking about what was on our minds.

We bear hugged each other.

We looked after younger children ourselves caring for them as older people cared for us.

As boys and girls, we do actually care.

Emotions

 

Honestly my emotions get the worst of me at times add sensory overload to it  and I need to have someone I can talk about them to like a daddy.

Children's Magazines

Although the weather has been lousy for most of the week I do get out rather than living life behind a screen, interacting with people and that means at the very least I get to go to the general store and newsagent quite a bit.

I had been looking for a while at comics and magazines aimed for children are both displayed and also the kinds of content because in the time I've been on this planet things have changed, something prompted a little by last weeks post.

 This kind of display should be familiar to most Britains, usually a few levels high with the children's magazines toward the bottom in a dedicated sub section, titles battle it out for supremacy especially as when here one or more is stack just above the other, limiting exposure of the cover.

One of the first things you'll notice is the cover mounted usually plastic gifts and because of the whole comic or magazine is then covered in plastic.

The first thing to say is those mounts make the display harder fit in the racks and this makes it harder to be seen by children who contrary to popular opinion aren't super tall.

The other is the return rates for most as they're sold on "sale or return" is quite high no less than 35% and often higher then them means the plastic gifts need to be recycled or otherwise disposed of as ultimately at children's homes they also do so it isn't really helping the environment.

 Often publishers have a different idea of the age range they are catering for and for example when I scanned through Nat Geographic Kids this Saturday, there wasn't anything that would really appeal to a child of nine or older - the last years of Junior School to thirteen plus as while animals featured it was more quiz and simple fact centred as if they expected that age group to pay for and read the 'adult' National Geographic magazine.

As with some other magazines around say Soccer there wasn't a lot that might stretch a child's reading ability and vocabulary in the that in the past adventure comics would promoting understanding of ideas and rules.

It just seems to me there doesn't appear to anything that filled the void left by the celebratory and Tv centred Look In of the nineteen-seventies and eighties where intelligent well written pieces around topics can be found mixed in with fun for those over eight but not wanting an adult publication.

4,000 editions of The Beano

After last week's post we move to something that did happen a few weeks back when the long running children's comic - and there was  time when comic didn't need that bit in front of it - marked its 4,000th edition on September 4th.

The main theme running through Beanoland, the imaginary world of all the comics characters live in is the future through such devices as time travel although for some of us it might seem the comic inhabits a different world than that we grew up in which is hardly surprising I guess.

One issue I have with it in its current form as a child who read this from the age of at least seven is the stories I loved from the time such as Dennis The Menace, Minnie The Minx and the Bash Street Kids set in a fictional school while still carried bare little resemblance to the origins we knew.

That's a simple summary of what's changed with Dennis-he no longer is a menace being mean and getting punished for it as we did and much the same applies with Minnie The Minx who doesn't get smacked and the cane has been removed from the Bash Street Kids school.

The problem I have with it is that simply these are long running stories whose characters haven't changed were formed in the era when that mirrored the lives of boys and girls and  for today's youngsters it's no more odd than the world of Lord Snooty and Pals was to us but we enjoyed the story set that past.

Moreover, when Dennis isn't allowed to menace really he loses his reason for existence, the bit of us who could be cold, mean spirit and who got punished for it which provided a tone even for those boys who were  - and I'm not condoning bullying - where people like them could see bad behaviour called out and and dealt with.

Simply not showing bullying does nothing to prevent it where showing it affirms the reality that as children we knew and know happens.

There is nothing at all wrong with including newer stories that reflect modern ideas, that have greater diversity in terms of gender and ethnic origins matching that of today's boys and girls liking many of the newer stories, it is simply that I cannot let pass how I feel about what has happened those set in the past as it marks it's 4,000 anniversary.

The Pleasure Principal - vinyl collection restoration

One thing I went through during the nineteen nineties was format standardization usually across whole artists as I bought things on tape for quite a period and lp record before that so albums in no particular order were across them

The downside of that is some special albums went in forms I did love and this did include what I regard as Janet Jackson's two most consistently good albums that matched personal expression with musical experimentation.

 Released in April 1986 Control was her breakout album after two very so-so albums issued while being a child actor and Control is the key word in this as it was her adult statement of independence exploring issues and linking up with Jam and Lewis produce who through their production company FlyteTime to the signature Minneapolis funk sound popularized by Prince to new heights.

This featured four singles Nasty, What Have You Do For Me lately, When I Think of You and Let's Wait Awhile who wold very well.
This copy is a mint first UK copy.

Her follow up, issued as the buzz around brother Michael's Bad album dropped in late 1989 took the same team but instead invited people to look at the world around them such as disadvantaged children, under educated and excluded young adults, the drugs issue touched on memorably by Mrs Reagan in the Just say No campaign and also encourage positivism, the belief things can be turned around.

 This had a number of hits across 1989 and 1990  with Miss You Much, Escapade, Black Cat that featured heavy metal guitar solo, Alright and Lonely.
I own a seven version cd of Black cat.

One issue with the original vinyl issue I had was that - it was a single disc for just over an hours worth of dense loud music  so some songs were trimmed and it had be cut at low volume meaning it could and did sound noisy on replay.

There was only a half inch gap between the end of last song and the start of the paper label making the end  tracks sound poorer than normal.

In that era the lp was something issued as an after though with majority sales on tape and cd where such issues simply don't exist.

In July of this year this album was reissued on vinyl as a double rectifying that failure using heavy 180 gram vinyl and that version is now restored to my collection.

Openness is key

For many of us this could well be a scene that is familiar, bed with pretty bed linen on it and in the draw underneath of it a blouse and skirt for us to wear once we've showered and washed ourselves clean.

That was always the thing I wanted at the time to be able to do and to feel I can say that.

Times at least for some are better with schools youth organizations and new enterprises being more inclusive, being more open to variance but for a good many others of us and the people in our lives, there are still in the mental prison of the fear of what will the neighbours and works colleagues say???

Why shouldn't I like to wear satin french knickers cos they're so soft and comfortable?

Nobody is asking anyone to understand why we like and do what we do or join in but just accept we are different and should only be judged on what actually matters.

Does it really hurt?