Easter edition

 Goodness gurls, it sure doesn't it come round soon enough!

Well we are entering the great Easter Weekend today with Good Friday although I had have to remind mum it's easter with schools being off for a fortnight and while I do read the Easter Story over this period even I have to say the other part is just great too.

Easter for me always meant craft things like making Easter Bonnets and cards and naturally although as a good number of you know I lose a good number of days in a year to migraines, Easter Eggs which were things I always had when I was officially younger and being age dysphoric it's just the same today being that eternal little sissy gurl.

No doubt as just like in the past my sticky hands and face covered in chocolate will be wiped with a dishcloth

That Dinosaur Egg will be consumed this weekend I am sure.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

Handing it all back

 Sometimes you realize the distance you have travelled in ways that may seem a bit odd

Lockdown was a big change in how things went in March last year that few of us expected and none of us ever actually wanted so much as announcement that took a while to actually take in because in so many ways everything around our lives had been changed BY ORDER.

There was no "Would you awfully mind doing this to help us all?" There was NO CHOICE.

If there was any lasting extent of adult or at least adolescent notions of making up your own mind about what to do, handling any risks personally that was totally gone and from my vantage point it felt familiar.

To me a age dysphoric child of ten, it was as if ADULT AUTHORITY had grabbed me by the arm and was ordering me rather like Head Teachers did telling me at any one point what to do and with no place for me consider what it and any suddenly announced changes were about.

To me it was that very much I was expected to be silly little person of no importance who just followed the rules and did what they were told.

For all that Coronavirus brought, I moved past many of those issues facing fears head on, exploring and actually enjoying being that little all over again as with much of the community off work or working from home our worlds crossed and I was accepted for just being that, getting on with life, following the guidance.

I decided to wear skirts of the sort when I was originally ten experimenting between the long socks that were worn more with them in that era and tights which are common for juniors today.

I did sometimes wear short trousers of the brevity I did back then where it would be more dignified too.

Partially it was because I was trying to deal with dysphoria by looking more as I felt on the inside but also as an outward symbol of my complacence with a state of DOING WHAT YOU ARE TOLD.

 I went out as much as we were allowed and in the first months it was just once a day and just explored and even played imaginary games in the countryside as the playground was shut for a big period but I could make my very own playground when I act out the games we played running, crawling across gravel and grass leaving any passing adults to get on with their own thing.

I found over time I just lost any vestige of being an adult increasingly taking a younger role in adult company feeling comfortable with that and that in strange way publicly tearing up my adult status meant I forged a new and lower status.

The status of adulthood was never a thing I wanted simply because I hadn't the means of using it to make a life I felt happy with nor did I 'get' what it was about because all I wanted was the life of a feminine boy or sissy gurl.

I saw my reflection in the window the other day, a person with a patterned bobble hat, blue short coat, grey short shorts or a skirt with grey turn over top socks with two purple stripes walking down the road.

I saw ME in the reflection.

By losing all airs of adulthood I gained what I wanted: The Status of a Little.

It is all I am.

A little Prokofiev

This week were are looking at music and just one composer.

Sergei Prokofiev was a Russian Soviet composer, pianist and conductor who was born in April 1891 and died in March of 1953. As the creator of acknowledged masterpieces across numerous music genres, he is regarded as one of the major composers of the 20th century.

I only had a couple of discs that contained any music by him bought in the early 1990's so for my birthday I had my eye on a fairy recent complete set of his symphonies.

I had the first in a landmark 1955 stereo recording which I loved and the Bergen Symphony Orchestra based Norway has over the years grown a reputation for excellent performances.

Strangely enough there are two versions of his Fourth symphony and this uses the composers own preference rather than the then Soviet leader Stalin's.

I had the Seventh as part of that pioneering stereo recording originally made for EMI Records in the UK.

The Fifth symphony is widely regarded as his finest and here is coupled with the orchestral gem the Scythian Suite.

The second but last symphony equally is joined by two desirable orchestral suites The Love of Two Oranges which I had one recording of and the Lieutenant Kijé suite.

Romeo and Juliet, Op. 64, is a ballet by Sergei Prokofiev that is based upon William Shakespeare's play Romeo and Juliet. 

To round off the four discs containing his symphonies I picked up this recent recording by the London Symphony Orchestra by the popular conductor Valery Gergiev recorded at London's Barbican Centre.

All the discs are Hybrid super audio cds with surround sound options that play in regular players too 

Gender and me

In the era of my childhood somethings were different and one was that for ideas that are more talked about today their wasn't many words available to described them and indeed a key number of terms we use today just had no equivalents back then.

That made the process of thinking and talking about them difficult because you literally didn't have the language for it.

 There always was something 'different' about me compared to my peers and if we were to write this in mathematical language  where B would equal Boy (and Male) and G would equal Girl (and Female) I'd be B` relating to but not being identical to B.

I loved my school uniform similar to this except the shirt was grey and the sweater was red and wearing my shorts, wearing them way past junior school even into adulthood even and while I was curious about girls uniforms never really had a jealous wanting for them.

The thing really was I felt more feminine loving to do girls things and to share girl spaces sometimes more than some girls even in a simple way of putting it I wanted to do more female things in boys school uniform.

This didn't mean I may not of preferred to had the option of wearing a girls uniform but rather it wasn't about the clothes so much as the sense of being feminine and being seen and respected as such whatever I was wearing.

In the language we use today, I was exhibiting some gender fluid traits that were tolerated more in girls than boys (plus some girls do wear shorts in school today) that were frowned upon not so much by the school but by other adults and other children who had invested a lot in their own gender roles and were not prepared to have their system interrupted by a gender-fluid feminine biological boy at the time.

In some respects being a gender fluid feminine boy was a perfectly good and natural thing that in other cultures is more accepted to the point they do even accept a third category but in ours especially in the recent past the only acceptance you could get is by presenting by whatever means as a girl, often the most stereotypical one dimensional form too.

When talking about this time, I feel the that expression 'gender fluid boy' and 'feminine' boy were the best descriptions of the life I lived then even though I did experiment with wearing skirts and dresses and mainly wear them today.

There is a side of me that is more a cross between being a Tom Boy and a Jane Girl which is I do wear boys school shorts mainly with girls socks and sometimes with traditional boys socks from time to time that is a legacy from boyish childhood for things like walking or 'rougher play' which is a part of that gender fluidity.

Today I am happiest go accept being a sissy gurl and to be referred to as one as it's the one term that has real currency that covers that difference between being masculine which I don't have much of and the way my feminine side is too different to be mature adult female never mind some of the more submissive traits I have. 

Birthday

Well its another around the sun day that we're marking on this blog today although like most things this year it isn't like it normally is with visitors coming in and going out with family to mark it

I had a number of cards,book tokens money from relatives for when the Zombie Madness is all over with and a few presents.

This years main present from mommy isn't new as such but an upgrade on something I've liked since I first had it some nine years ago where now it gets the original record covers restored and the original box set illustration.

André Previn was a very accessible and cool conductor to which these recordings remain my favourite all time set of the whole of Tchaikovsky's ballet scores. 

I do like records and this compilation by the Jazz Funk group Level 42 is a well put together summary that uses the original singles versions which is handy.