What I am

Let's of things are happening this year, one been overseen transformation and envelope pushing to really find the femme me under the vanilla coating my upbringing required me to role play.

That period where puberty breaks out is always messy and with me the combination of being both feminine and submissive with a devopmental delay for good measure  really messed things  up cos you have this persona of the feminine schoolboy, mind on academic and sports but then outside of that you don't just explore your more sensual feelings and how they may play out with others.

You shouldn't be sexualized as that school boy or girl but being truthful, you have a sexual side you're learning to handle.

The official approved narritive runs gender (the social expression of what it means to be male or female) and biological sex whose changes have rather imposed themselves on you are different but while they refer to different aspects they are connected really.

So far all we have been looking at is  more changing your clothes but there is really more to work though such as your attitudes.

What defines you as a male for instance? Your penis does, no matter how puny and pathetic it is plus a penis is not a feminine thing. 

From now on, I am to call it my boyclit. 

Another element in all this despite my brain damage and associated developmental issues my pyschosexual and biological side has being on fixed post puberty side meaning I can be s3xually needy and feel s3xual attraction.

Miss D said: "Since you stated that you are a gurl that does not crave relief - even after being so nicely frilled - it makes Me wonder if you can't be trained to crave relief like all the other sissy sluts... "

Discussion has lead to taking steps to move me on.

I am being encouraged to act as soon as able socially on feeling that neediness ONLY when in panties getting wet and sticky in them so there's a clear connection between being feminine and being more grown up s3xually.

It's to move me to where really I should of got with my peers able to balance being an older child with the young adult s3xuality in appropriate and safe settings letting it out.

The other problem with my boyclit is that it enables me to pee standing up. Not any more. 

From now on I will sit down to pee like a proper girl. 

That means pulling down my trousers, pulling down my pantyhose, pulling down your panties and then having a  pee. I am expected to wipe myself when I've finished. 

Every time I pee, I will drop my panties gurl style from now on.

Gorillaz and David Sylvian

Well I haven't god forbid gone all monkey on you but I bought this new album last week after hearing samples on Amazon.In shocking move I even got it as an 'album download' unheard of for me for anything new just because it was more convenient for me to listen to on the PC or via my MiniDisc unit on the commute. 

Let me say if you like Eclectic and don't have a big issue with rap as style of delivery you'll love this as it seamlessly meanders through classical, soul to rock.It is well recorded with -gasp - real dynamics for once that will be appreciated by those who are waiting for the vinyl edition to come out.

I blame Pug for getting me into it! xD!!While I was at it and as 7Digital had it on special offer for £4.49 I downloaded this the 2005 release that features Feel Good Inc.

As well I picked up this, the first Gorillaz album that started it all with the smash hit Clint Eastwood on it.

I was very lucky to get this double retrospective of David Sylvian (the former Japan vocalist) as an inexpensive download from 7Digital.
John, Roy and Ali (Alison) at high school got me into Japan and David's career is one I've followed ever since.
Released originally on double CD/MD and tape in 2000, it gathers up all his solo work including collaborations such as those as with Robert Fripp and adds three reworked tracks from Japan including Ghosts. Recommended to anyone liking thoughtful eclectic music.

So Red The Rose!

Coming soon is the cd version featuring the full original album that I did own on tape in its original 1990 Japanese form with full lyrics.

Spiritually it's the follow up from Duran Duran's 7 and the Ragged Tiger of November 1983 but following the better executed form of that albums b sides such as Secret Oktober and the remixed Tiger Tiger not to mention Faith In This Colour that keep a moody atmospheric feel in with the new wave feel.

Unfortunately my XDR tape got chewed up so to tide me over I got the download cheaply from Amazon which does sound very good as it was mastered before the trend for loud cds took off.

Birthday and Cheap Trick

Recently it was my birthday in what is shaping up to be a very different year than any ever and I had some cds to listen to.

Currently I'm getting a number of albums on CD by this US Hard Rock band that I've liked from the late 70's.

In Color: Those who know me may recall I used to play this one at high school recess on the music centre from a pre-recorded cassette I had at the time. If anything this really showed how they could take Hard Rock and at the same time add to it poppy choruses you could sing along to together with much melodic playing.

The album features the hit 45 "I Want You To Want Me" as well as "You're All Talk" and "Oh Caroline". I have the first American made cd of this title which sounds pretty good.

Heaven Tonight: It's an album where they get a tad more adventurous with longer numbers such as the Title track and has the 45 "Surrender" and a spirited cover of the Move's "California Man"

I have the last of the European cds before some (but not all) of their albums were re-mastered in 2006 and this isn't as good as my UK lp more kind of acceptable (a bit thin sounding). I might get a cheap 5Disc set that has the album included from the re-masters.

Dream Police: This masterpiece came out in 1979 and easily is one the best albums they ever did with the epic "Gonna Raise hell" and the hit 45 "Voices".

I got the 2006 re-master of it on Epic/Legacy and it's really worth going with that cd not just for the excellent sound but the many bonus tracks included.

At Budokan is a legendary concert issued original as a single lp in Japan in 1979 but rush released in the states and reissued briefly on cd in a two cd complete concert form.

I recently got the 2006 remastered US single cd of this and while not being exactly audiophile it matches the original yellow vinyl lp.

Run along, Tammy!

When we look at being me we need to look how education impacted it and in those distant days things were not so set up to accept things like Tom Boys who liked to play with the boys doing stuff like football and Jane Girls like me who would sooner play with the girls.

It was very limiting for all of us.

I'd sooner it was all like this, a mixed team where gurls like me can play in a games skirt as an equal, enjoying the company of girls and that division got worse by high school.

I keep thinking about my first love when it comes to school games, Rounders, as I'm slowly recovering as while with my disabilities being able to bat and run wasn't easy I enjoyed taking part, encouraged in it by people that were prepared to stand up for me.

Jane Girls like me for most exercise and certainly in games other than football or rugby much prefer to wear a short often wrap around games skirt with pleats at the back when we are playing as its more feminine.

I have now a PE skirt and top that I wear on warmer days although what I'd truly love to do is find a Rounders club where I could play not on league basis but just for the company and exercise.

The mini kilt

Normally if we are looking at gurl presentation then there's only one that comes up but I would say there exists a whole alternative beyond dresses and more formal skirts for those who didn't wish to or would like another option to wear.

The Mini Kilt is an more modern form of kilt for gurls that has buckle adjusters but as the name would suggest goes above the knee that goes well with turn over socks or white tights and isn't linked to ceremonial wear.

Worn as such it is is very feminine which is a must for anything truly for boys who really are sissy gurls which I was wanting that.

I'd love to wear one.