Getting to know me

 While the week has been challenging not least for having some responsibilities to fulfill and also having some difficulties with the impact of the last weeks exceptionally hot weather with really took the stuffing out of me I did feel I was getting somewhere in this battle to be me.

While time has been limited I have got myself established at two social blogging sites with two different account for just working through a load of stuff some of which goes back to around the early two thousands as I reassessed just what what that period was about and how that connects to being a feminine boy in all its respects.

It's so obvious that for me it was all about gender expression, being a boy who likes being feminine, happy being classed as a male and in so many ways the opposite of a Tomboy.

Being dominant or submissive, being gay or straight are all things that any one person may also have within their personality  but they don't alter being a FemBoy at all.

Just seeing so many posts that take me back to that time just confirms it.

Now Yearbook 1980

Phew what a hot week so far.

It just seems like ages ago but just two weeks ago we got the Extra set of the 1981 volume and this Friday we have a whole new volume that's going backwards.

It isn't the first time 1980 was compiled into a NOW compilation as when in 1993 NOW was marking its twentieth year they launched a series of two cd compilations of which the 1980 one was one of four (the thers being 1981 through to three) I bought because at the time there wasn't anything quite like it on cd.

Even in 1980 as far as I can recall being in my mid teens there wasn't a Chart Hits or Super Hits of 1980 issued by K Tel or Ronco.

1980 was a year that in terms of music styles was very broad which I felt was a good thing because I like a wide variety of music and don't appreciate things being too samey.

Going to a four cd (and there's bound to be an Extra issued soon) lets that diversity out compared to NOW 1980 although technically I think the mastering on the earlier set keeps more of the difference in volumes in.

The version of this release I bought was in a book form with short factual pieces about each track including chart position and small reproductions of the singles artwork with pockets for each disc although they were unlined so I put the discs in small cd inner sleeves to prevent scuffs and scratches.

Soul and Disco music which was still big in the UK is well represented with Upside Down,Behind The Groove, On The Radio, Funky Town and the classic smoochers With You I'm Born Again and One Day I'll Fly Away.

The emerging synthesizer sounds that were to become more more prevailent the next year rightly are included here such as Gary Numan's I Die You Die which wasn't included on lp versions of his Telekon album, Elona Gay by the at times magnificient OMD, Sleepwalk by Ultravox, Spandau Bellet's Too Cut A Long Story Short which did come out on cassette single, Living By Numbers by New Music and Echo Beach.

Rock was well represented by Ace Of Spades by Motorhead to which I did have the ten inch single of, Rainbow's All Night Long who's objectifying lyrics were criticized in the NME which I still own on 45, Going Underground by the Jam, the Quo's What You're Proposin', London Calling, Emotional Rescue by a fully functioning Rolling Stones and Another One Bites The Dust by Queen mixing funk with rock.

Pure Pop as I'd call it is well represent with Abba's The Winner Takes It All, Jona Lewie's Stop The Cavalry, the brilliant Atomic by Blondie and So Good To Be back Home Again by the Tourists who became the Eurythmics later on.

Ska and Reggae befitting the whole explosion around the Two Tone scene is represented by the more pop like Don't Stand So Close To Me, Too Much Too Young by the Selecter, Baggy Trousers, one schoolchildren can easily relate to, by Madness and Food For Thought by Birminghams UB40.

On Sept 2nd, the Extra top up set arrived offering an additional sixty six tracks from the likes of Kate Bush, Cliff Richard, Roxy Music, the Undertones and John Foxx with his unforgettable Underpass plus many soul and funk gems.

With that we'll see what the next Yearbook shall be!

These sets are just great "timepieces" that take us back to they were doing for some of us the exam taking Fifth Form and the Lower Sixth and are well worth getting.

Restoring the past

 

I've mentioned the past before on this blog and obviously part aim of this blog covers talking about the ideas I've had, the things and expressions of being a feminine boy and how I felt about as society has only been recent at a point it could entertain the idea we may not wish to conform for many could never conform to gender norms.

Of course things happened in that time that can be seen as missteps as we join and get involved with people that over time we find our central conception of what we are differs from even if to some superficially we my appear to be the same.

To me they're learning experiences like some of the groups at places like Experience Project where people would share and talk more about their innermost sides of this life with much less of the "echo chamber" that you find on places like Tumblr.

The whole maid thing was a thing with me around two thousand eight through to about two thousand twelve struggling then to find a cosplay type maids outfit that would fit a broad western sized body.

That with me was never the fetished "sissy maid" even if I could have submissive thoughts but more the visual aesthetics  of such an outfit and even performing more "maid like " functions such as keeping things tidy and clean rather than the sexual.

For those of us like that, being seen by some as being a "sissy maid" with all that stuff could and did take us out our comfort zone.

I still have those sides to me although I'm not so sure I could pull the look off as time goes on with my bodies looks but what I know is there's no point in me denying it.

A feminine boy with a bow in their hair, a pair of cats ears and a maids outfit with long socks or stockings is a part of my conception of me.

Perhaps I may revisit that one day?

The great escape

We talked of how that getting pushed into presenting more as a feminine boy started out a vehicle for being  me as a little but soon elements of that lifestyle started to feel more natural.

Bits around whole adult girl thing really didn't feel like me and having seen some stuck very much in limbo between wanting to be female full time and things like really they didn't want to be women or in one case the one that wanted to be a women but their caregiver just wanted them as a little girl and ultimately couldn't do any surgery as they were too ill.

I couldn't see any point even allowing for me feeling more at one male identity in wanting to "become" a female undertaking full transition to just be be a female child flat of chest and tree trunked in the body who wasn't going to undertaking adult life.

The dysphoria around that was more my issue than anything around gender even though I loved to wear skirt and dresses because it could only be as that child.

For me the answer to that question was that being dressed more like a girl was all I wanted , having nothing to do with adult roles, expressing how I saw me from the inside.

I took to it like a duck to water and I started to get my self confidence and mojo back as I started to see myself as I had until those other influences crept in, as nothing less than a little sissy gurl who wanted to be in their frillies and dresses.

I began to see actually I didn't need anything else.

I was just a sissy gurl in a dress. That's all.