A message from the past

Hi!

Something I am working through is the process of getting more in touch  more  with  my innerchild, her emotions and her past as recalled and expressed in her own emotional aged voice that can get buried in what may be more Big World problems.

I'm having fun engaging in child voiced play through which she expresses herself with other 'innerkids' doing the same just being themselves in their own world and exploring things.

You what I'd really love to do?

Something like this even though swings and I have a some unfortunate memories being a part of my difficulties falling a very bad fall from one in original childhood, climbing the climbing frame, swinging on a swing, running around in a nice summer dress with a group of girls of the same mindset.

That's the thing I really enjoy the most  outdoor fun and just being out helps me with my recollections of that time but it's more about moving on, getting on life and for me that life may be different but it's the one I like.

Sometimes it's the past that holds the key to those things that continue to affect how you see things and shape your responses to given situations like the extent you feel you may trust another or feeling anxious socially.

And those things unless you deal with them run on into the present by with people directly involved in your life or wish to have at some future point too.

Getting to a point the past is better understood, the real lessons learnt being able to move on from those all too real road blocks is one of my main aims.

It's also clear from discussion elsewhere sometimes even your encounters as that little (or middle) at this point in your life may bring issues that may leave you sad or hurt emotionally by they feeling abandoned, receiving hurtful comments and the like that you may need to work through.

I intend to be out more weather permitting, relaxing, taking the day as it comes as that makes sense to me. 

Travelling onward

There's other things on my mind right now and today's been a bit of rollercoaster but if there's anything I've learned it's that change is never permanent and digging out those things you loved the most help you though things.

For me just getting away from whatever  that is, going for a walk, watching the world go by maybe taking the odd picture or two helps.

This picture was taken on a camera I've had for getting on for 19 years, when I first realized I wanted to take good pictures and what I had was getting in the way of that.

In that time I've gotten better lenses for it, learned along the way more about how to to take the pictures I had in my mind, trying different films and getting  used to the different ways lighting alters the scene.

And in some ways at least it's the same sort of thing when it comes to adapting to life, trying and reviewing different strategies to make the best of the situation as is and it's all coming together. 

Play and the feminine sissy gurl

The whole business around expression as it applies to gender based norms is messy and that messiness is a real issue to you as a child as so much depends on being seen to be in one set or other.

While for a good many things I was more than happy to be in with the boys to the point I regard my gender as being just that and playing what they wished to nonetheless there were some elements that just didn't .

They included figurative girls dolls often with pretty frilly dresses that I loved that most boys wouldn't go anywhere near and most girls at least in public wouldn't have me in with them playing they also included things such as dolls houses. 

The idea of being on a dolly date, taking your dolls  to play with girls for hour was very much me.

Of course what I desperately wanted was a Dolly's Tea Party Invite so I could be put in pretty little dress and take tea with girls while feeding our dollies together.

It wasn't that the odd dolls house set may have attempted to have some boys appeal as this one to its credit did with the reference to "ranch type" suggesting a certain ruggedness but the minute you use the word "Dolls" then boys run a mile from it and even a boy who may be playing with it.

He wasn't a "doll" but an action figure so as boys we did play with them and indeed until I was just over fifteen I have a pretty big collection of Action Man figures, outfits to dress them in, rocket launchers, tanks, dinghy's, guns  and search lights.

Boys wanted to play with and share stories about action man adventures with me which I was very happy to do but I wanted to be the whole me including the feminine side openly and I couldn't back then.

 

When some people look at the notion of play especially as it applies to those who are transgendered or like me are say feminine boys it's common place to show it as an indicator of variance.

Take trainsets for instance, most would regard that as something quintessentially boyish and masculine which for most it may well be but in my family we had girls who just as much liked to go into the loft with my dad to "play trains" and they present in fairly obvious feminine way.

For me while not as prevalent I too liked to play trains although with my physical disabilities  getting up a loft ladder was very difficult  although I have a number of strong feminine traits and likes as they apply to play.

That's why I feel it's important to remember being feminine and presenting as someone who is while going together for most isn't always like that because they are two different facets.

Upon being for real

 

Okay today is NOT Friday, that is true but there's reasons for why I'm posting this entry today one is that for the last few days I've been very much in Middle/Little space sometimes doing things like interactive 'play' with others, adding bits to imaginary adventures, playing more with dolls and plushies using my imagination to create stories in which they act out roles or just cuddling up for an hour or during the day in addition to sleeping with my Teddy, Theo.

Sometimes it can perverse but spending time around say websites around little life sometimes can take you out of it either because you get locked into more into the search than the exploration of personal little space or sometimes more grown up issues may seep into it pushing your way from that whole feel you came looking for.

There can be times when such things may not be helped when people who have differences that they feel the need to express, don't take that directly to those who need to hear them so bringing others down.

That's way I try to limit some of the time I spend online concentrating more on recreating that feeling that I find so beneficial to my life so my middle time is more 'real', real to me as experienced by me.

There is only so much you can do with a second hand experience as good as looking at others experiences and techniques can be and that takes me to the final reason for why this is being posted today.

That's because I'm going to a friends where I can be very much my Middle self having a real middle experience that'll add to my memory of them, something that you just can't get in virtual life.

Neigh they said edition

Phew, it isn't half hot which is why I'm in reality working on this tonight as cools a little rather than first thing tomorrow.

I got a film back and this picture taken locally is one I thought you'd quite enjoy of a couple of horses stabled within walking distance of home one morning early last Month.

I've always loved horses with living in the country and I'm sure you can see why.

Taken with Minolta Rokkor PE 300mm F5.6 telephoto lens, on Minolta X500 (aka 570 in North America), supported on fence. 

Film: Fuji Superia 200 colour print.