Emotions and why they're screwed up

Development has been a theme of this blog between the pages, intellectual, language but the emotional and psychological angles matter to in understanding why I'm me.

Part of the reason I'm shut down is because in my family to articulate why and that your are feeling is to unleash a cycle of emotional abuse with shouting, threats to withdraw thing, to put the house for sale and so on rather than to discuss them and look at solutions.

Faced with a threat to go out and kill a cat who was chasing a bird I screamed hysterically at the very thought of seeing a blood spattered cat before my eyes and all I get was being told if I carried on like this I'd have to leave.

Let's recap this: My dad threatens to murder an animal which is an offence and I am the problem for screaming hysterically???

No apology, nothing.

The lesson I learned was supress all emotions and feel nothing.

Plus Do I really care about your goddam feelings?

No he really didn't care about how I felt.

He'd slam doors turn up his stereo loud when he knew I had severe migraines and complain as if this was pity party act to just defy him and HOW EFFING DARE YOU?

Dont'cha know its all about me, me,me.

 And they wonder why you never became an adult emotionally?

Free to be me

 

Sometimes I feel I've gone on about some aspects of this life which admittedly are necessary but may also in minds of others get in the way of seeing what indeed the biggest thing about being that person, the adult little child is really about although we did briefly touch on it last week.

Really  it is the freedom to be you, to enjoy being what you are, a child and to be naturally child-like in your sense of fun and adventure several steps away from the grind of adult responsibilities that you struggle to understand never mind do.

It's having a laugh, being from what might be seen from a grown up angle to be silly, not risky, just anything but serious and that's what it's all about.

Autumn Post

It's what would be the Autumn edition so what what I may be referring to is a bit ahead of time but is kind of relevant.

Everybody remembers what last year felt like and what those extreme restrictions felt like as beyond the everyday things many of things we'd love to do such as stay at friends or for those of us who are age regressors/dysphoric and feminine boys the chance to spend a bit of time with more people like us face to face just were not possible

This year at least here in Great Britain we can do more and so I was able to get away and spend a few days with regressors who accept my feminine boy side and we hope to have a day fun event in late October.

That's why we need to give thanks for those who've helped us through this troubled period, the people looking after our medical needs, the people who took care of us, checking we were okay during the darkest of days even if they didn't get our thing and the people in online communities what enabled some sort of contact.

It won't be long before fall will be upon us and I'll be out taking in fresh air enjoying time just being me.

Transition to Brownies

 Just about the oldest conundrum in this life has been just where in the world of scouting was for an adult little gurl who in hur childhood longed membership and the chance to participate in that life to the full.

Did they join scouts or girl guiding feeling neither a boy but having no great desire to become later on a fully fledged female.

Would they of become a cub or a brownie when this whole topic raised itself in the early 1970' s and given how you remained very much that child would you of become a forever cub of brownie living life to and following the path back then?

Really this was rather more like it.

In 2021 Tammy is to begin a process of transferring from hur cub past to moving fully into becoming a brownie starting with taking the rule and the law within girl guides understanding as a gurl who is feminine she aligns with girls,learning to follow their ways, taking orders from girls and transitioning her uniform.

Tammy can grow too.

Tammy has become a Brownie because she is a Gurl.

Good Gurl!

New term thoughts

 It's a new term although I don't so much go up a class but more along it exploring and learning different things because I don't get any more mature so much as by virtue of endlessly going around the same cycle I increasingly perfect that state without moving on.

It's like you've had xx years of being ten knowing what you need to pretty well without getting to be eleven never mind twelve and subconsciously you feel the pull to go back to school except of course as all that stuff is governed by bone age stuff you can't trot off to the school playground.

In this country even you cannot return to school as in your neighbourhood school to do any remedial learning in the way in many third world countries you do cos of stranger danger safeguarding concerns.

It certainly isn't that those don't matter, they do, but there's no evidence to show it really poses a risk if it's done right and as "dbs checked" adult volunteers do act as playground leaders helping with play in others.

It's like the default is all adults are a danger to children unless teachers or others "approved" by the system and yet the evidence shows most are more at risk from own parents or immediate family.

I honestly feel the topic ought to be opened up and evaluated for those of us who remain adult by bone age but children mentally and would accept "school rules" on conduct as part of it.