A message from the operations centre

It may be 2009 but even if in my workplace the rooms I see people in have small laptop computers for looking things up for them, I'm sat here with an old school base unit, the one I've had since October 2006, a keyboard, mouse and 15 inch CRT monitor.

I do have some things such as plushies and that in the back office plus from time to time I play with children while dealing with their parents but this is where I do my age regressing in apart from my bedroom.

My computer is downstairs to help avoid any issues with overuse at night when obviously you're meant to be sleeping  and also to reduce clutter in it.

Since the issues that lead to my nervous breakdown a few years ago, outside of work I've been stepping back from full on adulthood and tend to wear more girlish clothing when regressed and playing.

New Year thoughts

We are exactly a year on from the launch of the New Blog here after getting a taste for blogging at Friends Reunited in 2005 having remade boyhood friendships to people lost to past events that we weren't personally in control of even if we felt they were right ones personally for us.

After setting this blog up I did dual post for a period at fr/cthekissfan/ but then found it better to just leave a link to this, in effect putting on hold but the change to the site since Itv buying seems to have put people off.

For me finding that site coincided with escalating mental health problems which lead me to look back at where they were from, what the site was good for such as finding things about your school, your college , picking up from that dropped past and identifying the missteps.

For me it is that the attempt to mask developmental disabilities through engagement with some of least impaired parts of my functioning lead to me being in social situations I could not cope with because whatever abilities I had understanding a topic, the person standing there remained a child, running an authority, trying to chair a meeting with adults who were not pulling their weight. And no teacher to ask to step in.

That whole angle started from a forth form interest in current affairs through to A and O levels in the usual subjects to a career in politics which ignored my inability to cope to the point I had a nervous breakdown.

This site started with a single and for some uncomfortable premise which is to deal with that whole problem as far as is possible I have to, I even need to, hand back the demands and strains of adulthood I cannot cope with because of my disabilities and resume the status, limits and care of being a child.

To function with stability I need to be put back into the setting of a child, handling what mentally and psychologically I am capable of, protected from and cared for all else.

I also need to be able go with my feminine side however that comes out because that was always a part of the boy me back then as restricted as the opportunities were back then as part of my recovery

This little is being put back into short trousers and junior girls skirts under adult authority to allow me to find my point of regression playing with my toys as I lose my adult status.

That's what 2007 holds for me.

My New Years Resolution is to allow myself to spoken to, treated and handled as child by Adults.

September returns or Going Back

Tis the time the great going back starts in earnest after seven weeks of the hols as you go through your stuff sorting out what needs to be replaced and your folks, normally your Mum start doing the same with your uniform where you may end up having to try on new trousers.

Thus this time feels just like it did being taken to the shops to get your uniform and school equipment from the days in juniors when I wore short trousers rather like this.

I have been very unwell for a period in connection with my role in a local authority for a period now and I have what is called 'Leave of absence' which means I need not attend any meetings although I will be kept up to date with anything important which given my role is  the next most important after the Clerk obviously does matter.

Put very simply I am going through a nervous breakdown, throwing things, walking pensively for ages ready to explode or bursting in tears crying for ages not just at home but at work who are trying to help me. I simply cannot cope with what I have been left to do, working all hours even losing part of my vacation to council business doing things others want but won't do themselves.

I feel I have hit the end of the road at least in so far as anything beyond work and family responsibility goes and more over it seems to me at least this attempt at trying to be more of a public grown up figure when in all honesty I'm more childlike.

Back then I knew very much who I was, what I was to do with support which to be frank I don't get anymore although I need it and there was a clear cut break between school time and free time.

While talking by email with the clerk, I decided to take a step backwards from now on and outside of work I'm going draw up a timetable like I had at school and ensure time outside of it won't be spent chained to the telephone and computer.

I have also decided to put together a school type uniform to wear with a grey junior skirt option when I'm not working, being at home as the kind of structure, routines and discipline of that era is what I badly need and this with more support from my folks is what I do need.

I just cannot cope with full on adult life.