Getting to know me

 While the week has been challenging not least for having some responsibilities to fulfill and also having some difficulties with the impact of the last weeks exceptionally hot weather with really took the stuffing out of me I did feel I was getting somewhere in this battle to be me.

While time has been limited I have got myself established at two social blogging sites with two different account for just working through a load of stuff some of which goes back to around the early two thousands as I reassessed just what what that period was about and how that connects to being a sissy gurl in all its respects.

I love dollies and this is one originally presented exclusively to British Airways Air Stewardesses that I own with its smart feminine uniform.

When I was physically able to work I always wanted to wear a "proper" skirt and blouse or dress based uniform being the gurl I am and feel working to the best of our abilities.

I'd love for a person to work with me on appearances to get down a series of looks I can just do with little or no external help so I can be and independent disabled sissy gurl who takes care of hur presentation and image.

The other side I am working on is my little sides life as a sissy gur, hur interests and daily activities that got rather messed up over covid.

Now Yearbook 1980

Phew what a hot week so far.

It just seems like ages ago but just two weeks ago we got the Extra set of the 1981 volume and this Friday we have a whole new volume that's going backwards.

It isn't the first time 1980 was compiled into a NOW compilation as when in 1993 NOW was marking its twentieth year they launched a series of two cd compilations of which the 1980 one was one of four (the thers being 1981 through to three) I bought because at the time there wasn't anything quite like it on cd.

Even in 1980 as far as I can recall being in my mid teens there wasn't a Chart Hits or Super Hits of 1980 issued by K Tel or Ronco.

1980 was a year that in terms of music styles was very broad which I felt was a good thing because I like a wide variety of music and don't appreciate things being too samey.

Going to a four cd (and there's bound to be an Extra issued soon) lets that diversity out compared to NOW 1980 although technically I think the mastering on the earlier set keeps more of the difference in volumes in.

The version of this release I bought was in a book form with short factual pieces about each track including chart position and small reproductions of the singles artwork with pockets for each disc although they were unlined so I put the discs in small cd inner sleeves to prevent scuffs and scratches.

Soul and Disco music which was still big in the UK is well represented with Upside Down,Behind The Groove, On The Radio, Funky Town and the classic smoochers With You I'm Born Again and One Day I'll Fly Away.

The emerging synthesizer sounds that were to become more more prevailent the next year rightly are included here such as Gary Numan's I Die You Die which wasn't included on lp versions of his Telekon album, Elona Gay by the at times magnificient OMD, Sleepwalk by Ultravox, Spandau Bellet's Too Cut A Long Story Short which did come out on cassette single, Living By Numbers by New Music and Echo Beach.

Rock was well represented by Ace Of Spades by Motorhead to which I did have the ten inch single of, Rainbow's All Night Long who's objectifying lyrics were criticized in the NME which I still own on 45, Going Underground by the Jam, the Quo's What You're Proposin', London Calling, Emotional Rescue by a fully functioning Rolling Stones and Another One Bites The Dust by Queen mixing funk with rock.

Pure Pop as I'd call it is well represent with Abba's The Winner Takes It All, Jona Lewie's Stop The Cavalry, the brilliant Atomic by Blondie and So Good To Be back Home Again by the Tourists who became the Eurythmics later on.

Ska and Reggae befitting the whole explosion around the Two Tone scene is represented by the more pop like Don't Stand So Close To Me, Too Much Too Young by the Selecter, Baggy Trousers, one schoolchildren can easily relate to, by Madness and Food For Thought by Birminghams UB40.

On Sept 2nd, the Extra top up set arrived offering an additional sixty six tracks from the likes of Kate Bush, Cliff Richard, Roxy Music, the Undertones and John Foxx with his unforgettable Underpass plus many soul and funk gems.

With that we'll see what the next Yearbook shall be!

These sets are just great "timepieces" that take us back to they were doing for some of us the exam taking Fifth Form and the Lower Sixth and are well worth getting.

Restoring the past

 

I've mentioned the past before on this blog and obviously part aim of this blog covers talking about the ideas I've had, the things and expressions of being a feminine boy and how I felt about as society has only been recent at a point it could entertain the idea we may not wish to conform for many could never conform to gender norms.

Of course things happened in that time that can be seen as missteps as we join and get involved with people that over time we find our central conception of what we are differs from even if to some superficially we my appear to be the same.

To me they're learning experiences like some of the groups at places like Experience Project where people would share and talk more about their innermost sides of this life with much less of the "echo chamber" that you find on places like Tumblr.

The whole maid thing was a thing with me around two thousand eight through to about two thousand twelve struggling then to find a cosplay type maids outfit that would fit a broad western sized body.

That with me was never the fetished "sissy maid" even if I could have submissive thoughts but more the visual aesthetics  of such an outfit and even performing more "maid like " functions such as keeping things tidy and clean rather than the sexual.

For those of us like that, being seen by some as being a "sissy maid" with all that stuff could and did take us out our comfort zone.

I still have those sides to me although I'm not so sure I could pull the look off as time goes on with my bodies looks but what I know is there's no point in me denying it.

A feminine gurl with a bow in their hair, a pair of cats ears and a maids outfit with long socks or stockings is a part of my conception of me.

Perhaps I may revisit that one day?

The great escape

We talked of how that getting pushed into presenting more as a feminine boy started out a vehicle for being  me as a little but soon elements of that lifestyle started to feel more natural.

Bits around whole adult girl thing really didn't feel like me and having seen some stuck very much in limbo between wanting to be female full time and things like really they didn't want to be women or in one case the one that wanted to be a women but their caregiver just wanted them as a little girl and ultimately couldn't do any surgery as they were too ill.

I couldn't see any point even allowing for me feeling more at one male identity in wanting to "become" a female undertaking full transition to just be be a female child flat of chest and tree trunked in the body who wasn't going to undertaking adult life.

The dysphoria around that was more my issue than anything around gender even though I loved to wear skirt and dresses because it could only be as that child.

For me the answer to that question was that being dressed more like a girl was all I wanted , having nothing to do with adult roles, expressing how I saw me from the inside.

I took to it like a duck to water and I started to get my self confidence and mojo back as I started to see myself as I had until those other influences crept in, as nothing less than a little sissy gurl who wanted to be in their frillies and dresses.

I began to see actually I didn't need anything else.

I was just a sissy gurl in a dress. That's all.

Reflections on the little side of being a feminine sissy gurl III

 For I suspect most of us, this life in its differing aspects such as our child-like interests, sense of dressing more as a little - for me little/middle feminine gurl- gender presentation for some and so on comes from within.

Certainly speaking purely personally it's something I've felt for a very long time in my so-called real life even if some individual aspects may of changed over time like my more recent feeling comfortable with the more overly feminine side.

The way we looked in on this has changed a lot over the years and from that just how I fit into the frame.

Talk around sex in the nineteen seventies was fairly straightforward in that you were either male or female.

The people we were aware of who in terms of social presentation who were at odds with that were Transexuals who being born of one sex, typically felt a sense of gender based dysphoria toward how they were expected to present and live by the standards associated with it such as males who associated and felt they were " a woman trapped in the wrong body".

Technically you cannot entirely change sex but the essence of transition that would include hormones and surgery to alter how they looked was it allowed them to live more as they felt - females.

People who did not and generally did not feel that sense of gender based dysphoria but who did enjoy presenting in traditionally female ways were originally called transvestites (literally people who changed attire) which changed to Crossdressers.

In the two Thousands there became a bluring in terminology taking Transexuals and Crossdressers under the umbrella terms Transgender(ed) or Trans for short.

It was political in that some felt Transexuals were seen as the "legit" and priveleged group and crossdressers being seen as "seedy" and a drag parady that didn't fit.

Personally I feel both groups while having thing in common are just different and effectily erasing the term transexual wasn't fair.

What comes under that Crossdresser heading itself varies although each individual varies.

Generally a person given to wearing the clothes and wishing to be more feminine while having a male sexual identity has no reason to be "made to" - it is how you feel, what you were will reflect more of what in wider society females do.

It's all about being and being allowed the space in society to dress as you feel expressing your feminine side.

The more girlish form generally goes under Sissy Gurl.

We should note that has nothing to do with sexuality or things such as age regression or dysphoria as they are separate things within that persons life.

Personally I am  age dysphoric, a topic well covered on this blog which leaves more like and having the needs and interests of a person who is much younger and this mismatch between looks, feelings and how society treats us causes issues.

It is something that we feel, something that we need perhaps in our lives not that we may not have balance this sometimes with more adult responsibilities like paying the bills and for a good many, needing to work too.

We own that sense of self, working it as best we can to suit our requirements and we're in control of that at all times. In other words we're responsible for our sense of little and where we take it.

This is I feel a bit different than what you may see elsewhere with regard to Adult Sissies where it's portrayed as being "Forced" although I'd say that's not an accurate description so much as the person doing that is more the one enabling, using psychological suggestions, a sense of wanting to be enabled in the subject as no one can in the everyday sense of the word make you do feel or do something you don't wish.

The person buys into it in other words and I suspect they may not have the confidence to just do it by themselves if that's really them. 

As an Adult Sissy you really get off on humilation play.

It's a different feeling I think from any sense of, if you're transgendered, wanting wrongs in the form of gendered presentation to be put aright as being enabled to say attend school in the gender you feel.

There ARE bits around "sissy" that do apply very much to me and so in a good number of ways I am more of a sissy not least on the more "adult" side of it.

For me it's more being very happy with my gender role as a sissy gurl having no dysphoria with that wanting to wear skirts and play with girls more for some things as much as happy to play action games with boys.

That's just about you as the child back then, being able to be yourself, the gender you really feel, and to have the childhood involving  play and schooling you deserved and all to often never got although through the miracle of age re-enactment you may well be able to recreate something of it such as at meets or in creating say school based role playing especially if it can be face to face.

All I know is I love some of these things, they made me feel more complete and very happy. 

Maybe it does for you?

Around comics and stuff

Weekend was rather busy here so I had a a few things partly planned out .

First off, May 31 saw the Schools Out bi monthly edition of Monster Fun come out which as the title suggests has the majority of the stories being centred around that ritual where school takes a break while (hopefully) we do get away.

The resurrected comic continues to bring in a actual child base which distinguishes it from other more retro for adults attempts at doing  new specials such as those for the girls comic Jinty and clearly Rebellion Publishing are putting a lot into building up a new audience.

It relaunched in time for Halloween last year and resumed in April following a bi Monthly cycle which makes for a better quality comic given comics aren't 70p or  1.50 anymore given printing costs going up and the now standard full colour rather than muted colour newsprint we had.

Given many must be tossed away I do wonder if that was a misstep in a digital age of read and toss aside for the next weekly edition.

Meanwhile in The Beano it has reported Pup Parade, the cartoon strip that featured dogs many of Class IIb's pet dogs is set to finish in July after Lew Stringers excellent work in a new mini strip from April without official explination.

One thought I have is given how in some communities Dogs are seen as "unclean" to the point they would not be allowed to be pets or to be say cars and the continuing additions of often new children from the Indian Sub-continent to IIb's class as part of the attempt to diversify and make more inclusive that series that originally debuted in 1954, if it may be seen the dogs get in the way and so axed.

It wasn't as if every child in that class had one Cuthbert Cringyworthy for instance was never given one way back in 1972.

We'll see what replaces it in due course.

Feminine LB playtime 2

The most unexpected of things can be found where you may least expect them to be and this weekends activities did involve going around to a family members who was putting on a party for an Aunt who had reached a milestone birthday.

The fairly regular aspect of such a birthday, the handing over cards and greetings and sharing food went rather well but we did have young children present which was to prove pretty interesting.

The first being that while the grown ups tended to talk with each other and frankly beyond being polite I tend to tune out of such stuff, not helped by being autistic, they were playing which frankly is a far more enjoyable thing to do sometimes outside for it was sunny and sometimes indoors.

The two girls contented themselves swapping clothes, doing handstands with other gynastic feets and playing mainly with each other.

The two boys were playing with trains so I played with them as Thomas the Tank Engine went around the track with others in battery operated trains, a simple layout devoid of controller but clearly much loved.

The bigger difference was one was in T shirts and white just above the knee shorts  and the other was in a disney princess dress.

That was something like this  as one learned when he's not in school he puts it on from the moment its time to get up until its time for bed.

He absolutely loves wearing it.

He likes traditional boys things like toy cars and trains but also likes playing with soft plushies and being taken across the garden wheel barrow style like the girls.

He is happy with a boys name and male pronouns while clearly having a feminine boy side to him.

It reminded me as I loved playing with him of how this mish-mash started and what is more unlike me, his family are behind his right to be himself as one.

I was very emotional for spending time with him on his terms for the feminine boy he is.