Scouting onwards

That was always one the things about being me, the first Age Dysphoric signs were the trying on of my youngest siblings Cub uniform after he'd left it and unlike most others hadn't transferred to Scouts (aka Boy Scouts) at around ten and a half when I was around fifteen and sixteen going on ten.

It was stashed away bits in draw and the shirt in the deepest recesses of  a joint wardrobe that whenever I could I'd wear as at that time it wasn't much bigger than a well built twelve year old if that.

I felt happier being something I'd of rather had been being my real developmental age than the teenager I wasn't in any other way except age still stuck in 74/75.

Had I of been invested back in '72 into Brownies I'd of transferred to Girl Guides although you could say mentally I'd of been the youngest guide in the pack probably looking more like this which I do really like the look of.

Self development and mental discipline were things I needed and were looking for at the time as I struggled with motivating myself and being organized apart from needing to create a good circle of friends and learn new skills.

Imagine a twelve or thirteen year old Tammy at camp, having to share with others, take turns doing various chores, mastering new skills learning more about hurself?

That would of been brilliant! 

The outdoor life was one I enjoyed even if chunks were not lived through the Scout Association during that era by through boarding school activities and the odd weekend hike.

It was no accident that scouting became the big thing during the Coronavirus pandemic keeping me on the straight and narrow, helping my mental health because it met my needs for adventure, learning new things and developing self discipline

A Leopard can change its spots

 

It is easy to get into a mindset of thinking about those things in  your life that may not be going so well or even into comparing how you are doing compared to others but that's a habit which so easily leads to you beating yourself up.

Like for instance we may only know of what another person really is doing from what it is they've shared with us which may well be selective, missing out any mess ups and only as they feel it is so really those comparisons may not be too accurate.

The other side of this is we may be understating our own abilities, using a very high baseline to judge them by or be so used to perceiving our failure that we automatically feel we have when maybe we've done okay really.

This came to me on Sunday where I had spent this weeks Study Weekend working on a longform part of guide working with a person I hadn't collaborated with before with no indication of the exact format and structure they were working for even.

Let's say the absence of that usually gets me into tailspinning territory  as I stare into the blank page on my non microsoft office suite so I type a few headings  and eventually find one to start typing to and slowly work may way to the final one.

I review it and send it to the person I am working with with not to say it's not perfect but it's like the best I can do here thinking to myself it's not really good enough, maybe they'll do the electronic equivalent of tearing it up even.

Imagine then you get a message to say although it may need the odd change, they really like it that even they say it's a pleasure to read something so well written, that actually I'd structured it similar to their own section.

Really, Tammy that boarding school feminine gurl severely dyslexic actually manages to pull it off when they was feeling like walking the corridors thinking they'd failed!

I think the point here is I grew up so much with the idea I was no good at this that I came to believe it didn't matter  what I did or anyone said they could help me, that I couldn't change that outcome.

I changed the outcome cos I actually believed in it enough to do the work using techniques that I had learned and was prepared to spend my time on learning  and learning to trust people who were prepared to help me make those changes.

What I learned from being away

I was away for a few days with friends recently and here's some reflections upon that time.

There are some reflections I do feel the need to talk about about on here one is learning to be grateful for what people freely do for you such as seeing I was struggling at one railway station a couple kindly offered to help carry my luggage and even checked when I got to the end of the stairwell I was all right who I no idea of. I thanked them profusely for caring so much and acting on it.

There's the people who kept an eye on me as I was feeling a little homesick where I stayed, spending time with and the friend who knowing the sort of fiction I like, gave me a cherished book from their collection which they sure didn't have to and to which I didn't expect at all after giving them a dolly I thought they'd love.

Then there is a friend of mine who kindly put me up, offering a cooked meal and a lift to the train coming back completely out of the blue, seeing I was on the right platform for my train to come in. Even when I found I simply could not eat the whole of their home made and cooked meal rather than just saying it was very nice-and it was was absolutely lovely- from nowhere I found myself apologizing to them for not finishing my meal clearly feeling contrite.

These acts of kindness really moved me but whereas in the past I'd of blocked out my emotions I thanked them properly for all those things they did not have to do,that I have no right to expect nor demand expressing my gratitude, revealing my sense of being humbled openly.

Another thing was around making sure I stayed within contact while meeting one person after a rail journey, letting them know it was doing  and when I would be seeing them which as you may recall resulted in a lecture and spanking last time which I did.

As well I was asked to keep it on while they were going out of the house for a short period later on because they may be delayed and I just complied with the request with no back chat which showed I had learned from last times experiences.

While a few people needed a reminder to tidy up and put their plates in the dishwasher while we were away, I did not and indeed that I had was held up as an example for others to follow.

I think the one thing I can take away from this period is while I may have some distance to go and the potential to relapse, the six days did show I was moving on, being responsible and how I'm being helped to change is really helping me.  

Away day schooling

 It's a bit of a while since I wrote anything around the re-creation of schooling a form of words I'm now a bit more for as "school based role play" for me implies in part I am role playing the child at school and with me this whole whole thing is more like I have that child running 24/7 in me.

Effectively you've created a school with all the things I recall of my education that I just attend.

One of the things I did involved having a math  lesson taught to me by a person being  a teacher doing what was called "chalk and talk" where they would talk away but write important concepts and any questions on the chalkboard for you to do.

For my part I was dressed in a traditional black tunic (Brit speak: "Gymslip") with tie and school socks as they prefer me in feminine boy attire at a equally traditional wooden desk with a  hole for in, grooves for your pens and a lift up slightly sloped lid that before flat "Go-Pak" stacking school furniture such as tables became popular you had together with matching wooden chairs with an S shape bottom.

Like most I was taught metric units as my home country went metric during this period  although for somethings imperial never went away like road distances and part of this lesson covered an introduction to Imperial weights and measures that I had to sit and write down from the chalkboard including the questions set on each unit.

This covered ounces, pounds, stones, hundred-weights  and tones when it came to Mass, inches, feet, yards, cubits, chains and miles in linear measurement.

I also had set some multiplication and division work too that I had to copy, answering all the questions.

The work from the point of view of presentation, neatness of writing and showing of workings out was examined in addition to marking the answers to questions set and my attitude toward studying.

My work was then written on in red pen.

Overall I hadn't done too badly but I had made a few mistakes down to not being as careful as I should of been as when asked to show how I got the answer where I had made mistakes, I did get it right first time so it wasn't a question of not knowing or comprehending.

Because it was that and nothing to do with my actual learning limitations which are NEVER a reason to, I was instructed to bend over the desk at each unit where this had occurred to be spanked either by hand with a slipper or for one which was more around not paying sufficient attention to the work, the tawse.

This needless to say did hurt persisting for some time but to be honest, it is what lead to it that really is more the problem: I don't take the care I could to produce work that limitations aside I am actually capable of, that reflect my abilities rather than my disabilities.

In that sense what might in the past of been called "school based role playing" has real benefits in helping to change because it identifies in real-life situations those attitudes and behaviours that need correcting and delivers the lessons that in all honesty people who were less centred around the dis in my disabilities excusing me and more on abilities and training me to use them properly in same way my peers were really should of done.

For me then this bit of the weekend away was really beneficial.

Chores for Little Gurls

Today I thought I would give some thought to things a little or middle either in relationship or living with someone even on occasional basis can be encouraged to do for themselves

Own area

Making own bed

Getting clothes out for the next day

Hanging up own clothes neatly after wearing/washing

Making sure worn clothes are available for washing

Keeping own spaces tidy

Helping in the home 

Fixing own breakfast

Setting tables with cutlery, mats, glasses and cold refreshing drink

Clearing away and washing up afterward

Tidying away in other spaces after you

Helping with vacuuming

Feeding pets

Sometimes it can be easy to drift into a pattern where other people may not expect you to do (or be able to do)  these things which doesn't help you either with trying be more responsible and independent and may in a low key nagging way begin to undermine a relationship.

It also is the case that within reason, people shouldn't try to do that too, even if you  as a little or middle have a disability or two regardless of like a  number of folk  you may not of had to do much if any of these things in past yourself.

The circle progresses

This is being written in the inbetweeness of what will be a busy weekend here not least with a annual trip out to the seaside and a Nan's birthday which we remember.

When it comes to my own there are elements leave me feeling like why are we doing this? 

Some of that lies in mess that is my family, always at war with each other over the silliness of things, petty one upmanship and rank disrespect never mind just refuse to speak to folk for months at a time. 

Indeed often if you'd of said what did I want for a Birthday my honest answer would be a 'Proper family' to belong to and no wonder I feel closer to my age play family. 

It's not that I'm opposed to the idea of working with what  is, god knows you just have to at times, and not making a bad situation worse by tossing a whole of easy to throw in attitude to the mix it just makes things feel...hollow. 

Mum always say I'm the one that can be counted on to think more about what needs to happen, what would make a difference and just do it so I'm happy to take her for lunch and she understands marking the wedding anniversary in the view of events I grew up around is something I can't cheat on emotionally so won't happen. 

Part of the reason I cope with much of this mess is actually the people who filled the gaps, providing guidance, an understanding ear and much needed help in developing some self-discipline and usually around  this time I'm reminded of how much I have to be grateful for in that way. 

This year unlike years in the past I do feel I am moving in the right direction, becoming a little more mature than I have been which to tell you the truth has been so embarrassing for those years so I'd like to thank every one who's helped me. 

Here's to Mums and the all the people who are helping me move on.

Personal growth

It's kind funny how it is change and permanency crop in in differing forms when it is we think about aspects of our lives such as what may matter the most or the direction a hobby or interest may take.

Some people may put a great store on things being the same then, now and even in the future living around patterns from the past and equally we can all think of people who never really seem settled, forever swapping and changing things at whim, sometimes to the consternation of those closest to them.

Sometimes you may feel things changing but hear the siren calls of those who just loved you and what you do begging you not to change, that you and what you do is all that you are and to embark on journey be it personal or in developing your skills would lose you your own qualities while others still may wish to take you down routes you might not feel sure over.

To grow and to adapt either as a person or in your interests to me seems on the face of it a healthy thing as that would imply you are learning and exploring more of what interests and fascinates you.

I know and sometimes it feels at certain sites as if I'm forever on about, I am changing, learning  to do and live with greater expectations of doing things to those I'm been familiar with far a long time which hasn't been easy.

It would of been easy to given the matters that came to a head last year to had done nothing, in effect deciding to have stayed in rut which may have been a dead for end for me but a comfortable one but instead pursued on that was and has been painful at times but has ultimately been more benefit to me. Sometimes it's the courage to change that we need.

Seeking self improvement

I do wish I felt better today and will be resting after doing this but I woke up also with a bit of an idea for a post.

A friend wrote something a few days back about her emotions and how she feels about herself the other day that struck a chord with me.

When we think of 'naughty' what we usually are thinking of is the girl (or for that matter boy) who is mean to others.

It may be that you set out to upset someone by saying unkind things about them and the things that matter to them, you pull their hair, pour paint all over their art or ruin their toys.

That might come from feeling insecure in the presence of someone who either is popular or who has something we feel ought to be ours and needs to denied the pleasure from them.

Most of us can relate to this either as one who did this the odd time or were on the receiving end of it and personally I get it both ways although it is many years since I last did anything naughty in that sense.

Sometimes arising from that childlike sense of wonder and excitement  we can more  thoughtless, we dash and maybe collide hurting each other when it would be more sensible walk slowly instead, we attempt to do something that sounds like fun but oblivious to risks involved for ourselves and others and so on.

On the the other hand there are other things that may have continued from an early age, such as not appreciating what others may do for us, feeling very much World must conform to and supply our immediate needs with a pout and a stomp.

You may feel the best way of getting what you want is shouting over anybody who has the audacity to question or just fail to give total support.

Although starting something can be daunting just putting things off because we'd sooner not or prefer to do more enjoyable or possibly have a lazy streak even doesn't help us and may not help those we are are close to like partners, work colleagues or friends who rely on us especially when we agreed to do them.

In effect sometimes we self sabotage things.

It's no secret to some of you I share some of these traits which I'm getting quite a bit of support in overcoming because they hold me back when I could be that much more effective and responsible.

There's nothing wrong in wanting to be a betterer girl or boy if you're prepared to accept some growing pains and maybe your present issues aside you've the maturity to see it.

If that's you, go for it.

Moving On

The child he helped raised grow under his influence feeling confident not just within himself but amongst the class they had been immersed within socially, indistinguishable to their peers.

By the time I had transferred with most of my class going to a State Comprehensive High School things were looking up although Jacqueline and another boy were going to Catholic schools and I was off to boarding school.

As was normal back then metaphorically the school gate was always open so long as it was arranged through the School Secretary, I could and did visit him for several years after when home.

As far he was concerned it was continuing care and interest that mattered in a child not just the nine to four-thirty for so long as you were on role so he'd take an interest in how you were doing at your new school and offer adult guidance.

I learned to find the real me and in time to express more of my sissy gendered side while showing maturity and becoming a respected member of the community.

I saw him shortly before he died and what I do know is how proud he was of my achievements and that I had found a niche, a place in the wider community and although my Mum had her disagreements with him, he was saving me from being under educated and hidden from society which was common place.

I strongly believe he was right even if had we'd of been a few years later more help would of been rewarded by more quicker progress.